Us New Age-y types talk a lot about reincarnation, or, the idea that a person's soul has lived many lives since it was created and how that affects our current incarnation.
But, if you think of it, every person experiences many incarnations in their life; Every significant life event changes us and our outlook. For me, ,y senior year in High school was very significant, scoring the lead in the musical was a huge ego boost and introduced me to a more self-assured, confident, outspoken and opinionated version than I had known before, this is the incarnation that would continue to develop through mycollege and my post-college years.
The stroke and the recovery has introduced me to a different version of myself, one that had been covered up by that, loud, boisterous and outspoken lady
Liz 2.0, as I call her, is not as self-assured, in fact, she, quite, often has to convince herself that she can do something and she has to talk herself out of the pity parties she seems to like to throw for herself, for whatever reason....But, through all of this, because this version of myself requires so much reassurance from myself, she is turning into a stronger version of the me I was, better able to face things I am unsure about, able to talk myself out of despair, I've become a cheerleader for myself, and that, my friends, is a valuable talent. I am now more capable of picking myself up after a hard day full of mistakes, brushing myself off, holding my head hig and giving it the ole college try tomorrow.
Because, I have learned, what really counts when recovering from stroke is finding a new way to live life and to be happy with it, which means finding new, innovative ways to do things, luckily for us there are many oways to fall inlove with yourself again after a traumatic brain injury, one way I would suggest is to find an organization like this.
So, dare I say, Liz 2.0 holds her head a little higher that Old Liz did.
I like Li 2.0....finally.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
do-gooder
Today I met with a good friend, who has been helping me navigate my new world as a "disabled" person, helping me understand and know the services that are available to me.
I say "disabled" because, as far as the government is concerned I am disabled, but, as far as I am concerned, I perfectly able of many things..
My reason for meeting with her was to find out if there was a way I could help other people recovering from brain injuries, at one point she asked me why I wanted to do this. I couldn't answer right away.
Well, tonight as I swept my kitchen floor, I do my best thinking when I'm sweeping, I thought about this, and I realised that at the beginning of all of this, it would have been great to meet with someone who was well into their recovery and doing well, some one who could have told me, "Hey! Snap out of it! This is not the worst thing that could have happened." Would I have listened? No. But it sure would have been nice to have some one who understood the total and complete confusion and exhaustion I felt everyday. And now that I am well into my recovery, I think the right thing to do is to use what has happened to me for good, to benefit others, because, well, it's right, right?
I also see so many people at my OT clinic that seem so hopeless. and let me tell you, hopelessness is a surefire way to sabotage your recovery, so, I try to talk to these people, trying to show them as much positivity as I can muster in the face of their depression, because, I was there. Two years ago, the thought of living my life as I've become accustomed to living it- as a one handed, slow walking- individual, was a terrifying thought, but now it's my normal, and I'
, ok with it, if I can show one person that I'm ok with who I am in the face of this, then, I will have done something good.
And that, my friends is progress.
I say "disabled" because, as far as the government is concerned I am disabled, but, as far as I am concerned, I perfectly able of many things..
My reason for meeting with her was to find out if there was a way I could help other people recovering from brain injuries, at one point she asked me why I wanted to do this. I couldn't answer right away.
Well, tonight as I swept my kitchen floor, I do my best thinking when I'm sweeping, I thought about this, and I realised that at the beginning of all of this, it would have been great to meet with someone who was well into their recovery and doing well, some one who could have told me, "Hey! Snap out of it! This is not the worst thing that could have happened." Would I have listened? No. But it sure would have been nice to have some one who understood the total and complete confusion and exhaustion I felt everyday. And now that I am well into my recovery, I think the right thing to do is to use what has happened to me for good, to benefit others, because, well, it's right, right?
I also see so many people at my OT clinic that seem so hopeless. and let me tell you, hopelessness is a surefire way to sabotage your recovery, so, I try to talk to these people, trying to show them as much positivity as I can muster in the face of their depression, because, I was there. Two years ago, the thought of living my life as I've become accustomed to living it- as a one handed, slow walking- individual, was a terrifying thought, but now it's my normal, and I'
, ok with it, if I can show one person that I'm ok with who I am in the face of this, then, I will have done something good.
And that, my friends is progress.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Confidence
Since I was released from the hospital, a little over two years ago, I've been struggling with my confidence. Facing the world with a new body and mind has been a difficult task, and I've had to figure out this motherhood thing on top of that.
My already fragile confidence was shattered by the stroke, suddenly all of these things I used to be able to just fine ( read, go to the bathroom, walk, etc..) suddenly became seemingly impossible, so whenever I've been faced with something new in this post-stroke world, my instant reaction has been, "I can't do that."
But as I move through my life in this new body and with this new mind I've found, yes, indeed, I can.
The turning point finally came once I accepted the fact that I am basically having to start over, relearn everything I already knew how to do. I like to say that the stroke was like having my reset button hit. And as I move forward, relearning all of these things I could do with my eyes closed, I am finding that I can, in fact, do anything, I put my mind to.
can't is now a four letter word in my world, because, you know what? I can. And so can you.
My already fragile confidence was shattered by the stroke, suddenly all of these things I used to be able to just fine ( read, go to the bathroom, walk, etc..) suddenly became seemingly impossible, so whenever I've been faced with something new in this post-stroke world, my instant reaction has been, "I can't do that."
But as I move through my life in this new body and with this new mind I've found, yes, indeed, I can.
The turning point finally came once I accepted the fact that I am basically having to start over, relearn everything I already knew how to do. I like to say that the stroke was like having my reset button hit. And as I move forward, relearning all of these things I could do with my eyes closed, I am finding that I can, in fact, do anything, I put my mind to.
can't is now a four letter word in my world, because, you know what? I can. And so can you.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
2 Years!
Two years ago yesterday, I walked into the hospital knowing a few things; First of all I knew I'd be holding my new, precious baby girl at the end of the night, second, I knew my life would never be the same again.
Well, I was right....kinda, on the first count, I was holding my new baby at the end of the day, but in a radically different way, my loving, and scared shitless husband had lovingly placed Charlotte on my chest to rest as I woke up from having the blood clot removed from my brain, giving us some precious bonding time.
Two years ago, I thought I knew everything, I thought I had it all figured out...nope. Today I know more about myself, life, love and what really , matters than I think I ever would have. Two years ago, the doctors were saying I'd make a "full" recovery in about a year and a half whatever that means, well, today, I am recovered, more determined and focused than ever
Yesterday, I watched that precious baby, that I held, unconsciously, on my chest two years ago turn two, she is alsi determined and focused, and trhe best thing that's ever happened to me.
And yesterday, I realized I could have easily not been around to see this momentous birthday. But I did, with my eyes wide open, seeing the world for the beautiful place that it is.
Two years ago, I didn't realize how great life can be. Now I do.
Well, I was right....kinda, on the first count, I was holding my new baby at the end of the day, but in a radically different way, my loving, and scared shitless husband had lovingly placed Charlotte on my chest to rest as I woke up from having the blood clot removed from my brain, giving us some precious bonding time.
Two years ago, I thought I knew everything, I thought I had it all figured out...nope. Today I know more about myself, life, love and what really , matters than I think I ever would have. Two years ago, the doctors were saying I'd make a "full" recovery in about a year and a half whatever that means, well, today, I am recovered, more determined and focused than ever
Yesterday, I watched that precious baby, that I held, unconsciously, on my chest two years ago turn two, she is alsi determined and focused, and trhe best thing that's ever happened to me.
And yesterday, I realized I could have easily not been around to see this momentous birthday. But I did, with my eyes wide open, seeing the world for the beautiful place that it is.
Two years ago, I didn't realize how great life can be. Now I do.
Monday, September 30, 2013
working 9-5
A little over two years ago I saw a job listing in the classifieds for a Front End Manager at The People's Food C-op of Kalamazoo, I went to it's website as the listing requested, read the job description a about the co-op and decided, this job was pretty much made for me, so, I filled an application out, took it to this teeny tiny store downtown Kalamazoo and hoped for the best. After a couple of weeks, I got a call from the general manager of the co-op, hoping to give me a phone interview, at the time my schedule was pretty crazy, between the job I had and a play I was rehearsing, so the GM, Chris, and I played phone tag for quite a few days, finally we got on the phone with each other and I participated in the most pleasant interview I've ever had, at the end of it, Chris invited me to come in for a face to face panel interview with the entire management staff at the co-op. I was ecstatic.
The job I had at the time was VERRRRRY part-time and not fulfilling in the least and this co-op job seemed like a job I could really care about and sink my teeth into.
Finally the day came for my interview, I walked into the co-op's small store front, was greeted by an extremely friendly cashier, who let Chris know that I was there, I was informed that I would have to wait for a bit, so, I read some of the information that was out about the co-op, I was intrigued, I had never been inside a co-op and I, like most of the general public, thought it was some kind of hippie place, but as I read more information, I became more convinced that this job was mine and psyched myself up for this interview, I interview REALLY well, and I know it.
Finally Chris retrieved me and told me we would be descending into the basement for the interview, as we walked down the set of seemingly ancient, creaky stairs, into the dark, cave-like basement,I smelled the mix of all the herbs that were stored there in "herbland", as we called it, I made myway to the sitting area and sat down to begin the most important and life-changing job interview of my life.
I sat down with the entire management staff, I was nervous, they were studying me, asking me a very complex set of questions, and I couldn't tell if I was impressing anyone, I wasn't even sure how best to answer the questions I was being asked, I was reaching for answers.
At the end of my one hour interview, I felt a little shell shocked, but I was even more convinced that I HAD to get this job, the co-op was expanding and they need a Front End Manager to help them do that, a prospect that thrilled me, as I had helped open many a coffee shop in my day and I loved the chaos of that kind of work. I walked out to the van I was driving at the time, I had gotten a parking ticket. I wasn't sure if this was a bad sign or not, because usually after an interview I could tell whether I had the job or not, this time, I wasn't so sure. A few days later I got a call from the co-op, asking me to come in for a working interview. Aworking interview? I'd never had a working interview before, what's that all about? I arrived for my working interview and was greeted by Rosie, the Produce Manager and interim Front End Manager, she would be conducting the working interview, Rosie gave me a little tour of the store, and set me to work, washing dust off of the shelves, this was a challenge, as the co-op was in a very small space and I had to ensure I didn't get in any customers' way as I cleaned. Once I completed the task, Rosie had me start ringing customers up, a job I excelled at, as customerservice is my forte. Once the interview was over, I went home, feeling triumphant. it had goone well, I thought...maybe. What a process to go through to get a job, but I felt decure with their system, I was sure it ensured that they found the right people.
Finally I got The Call, Chris called to offer me the position as Front End Manager! I was beside myself! A real job! At a super cool place!
The first few months of my employment at the co-op wer rocky, I really wanted to do well and uphold the standards and systems the co-op had in place, while helping the Management team plan the impending expansion pro ject.
Then I got pregnant.
I found out I was pregnant in March of 2011 and the expanded co-op was set to open in May of 2011, so by the time the baby came we would have been in the new space for a few months and settled in pretty well, it seemed that the timing was perfect.
As the expansion dates came closer my job expanded along with my waistline, as the human Resources Coordinator and hiring Manager, I was constantly interviewing and training new employees, a job I loved. It seemed the closer we got to the expansion, the better I got at my job, nrever before had I loved a job as much as I loved mine, I looked forward to going to workaverday, a rare luxury I had never experienced before, my jop had a purpose and did somwthing great for my community.
The expansion went off without a hitch. The first few days in the new space were hectic to say the least, but satidfying, it was great to work with such a great team.
Then my blood pressure spiked.
Things started getting complicated when I became hypertensive halfway through my pregnancy, and the co-op supported me and helped me through all of it, they were always flexible whever I was told by a doctor that I couldn't wor for an extended span of time, even I pretty much had to be at work all of the time, luckily, I had an extremely capavle Lead Cashier to be me when I wasn't there.
Then I had a stroke....and a baby.
I can't think of any other jov I've had that would have supported me after my stroke the way the co-op has, Rosie came to the hospital on the night of the stroke, because I asked for her. The co-op set up a system for bringing me lunches while I was in rehab ondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. My Lead Cashier took over running the Front End during the busiest time of year(Thanksgiving) and the transition, by all accounts I've heard, was seamless. The co-op has also allowed me to come back and work, something that has been pricekess to me, working not only increases my stamina, my cogitive ability and my confidence. Even though I was unable to step back into my role asFront End Manager, many of the people I hired are still there and have moved up in the ranks, which makes me proud.
I counmyself lucky to live in a town with such a great co-op and to have a job as supportive and helpful as I do. We all should be so lucky.
The job I had at the time was VERRRRRY part-time and not fulfilling in the least and this co-op job seemed like a job I could really care about and sink my teeth into.
Finally the day came for my interview, I walked into the co-op's small store front, was greeted by an extremely friendly cashier, who let Chris know that I was there, I was informed that I would have to wait for a bit, so, I read some of the information that was out about the co-op, I was intrigued, I had never been inside a co-op and I, like most of the general public, thought it was some kind of hippie place, but as I read more information, I became more convinced that this job was mine and psyched myself up for this interview, I interview REALLY well, and I know it.
Finally Chris retrieved me and told me we would be descending into the basement for the interview, as we walked down the set of seemingly ancient, creaky stairs, into the dark, cave-like basement,I smelled the mix of all the herbs that were stored there in "herbland", as we called it, I made myway to the sitting area and sat down to begin the most important and life-changing job interview of my life.
I sat down with the entire management staff, I was nervous, they were studying me, asking me a very complex set of questions, and I couldn't tell if I was impressing anyone, I wasn't even sure how best to answer the questions I was being asked, I was reaching for answers.
At the end of my one hour interview, I felt a little shell shocked, but I was even more convinced that I HAD to get this job, the co-op was expanding and they need a Front End Manager to help them do that, a prospect that thrilled me, as I had helped open many a coffee shop in my day and I loved the chaos of that kind of work. I walked out to the van I was driving at the time, I had gotten a parking ticket. I wasn't sure if this was a bad sign or not, because usually after an interview I could tell whether I had the job or not, this time, I wasn't so sure. A few days later I got a call from the co-op, asking me to come in for a working interview. Aworking interview? I'd never had a working interview before, what's that all about? I arrived for my working interview and was greeted by Rosie, the Produce Manager and interim Front End Manager, she would be conducting the working interview, Rosie gave me a little tour of the store, and set me to work, washing dust off of the shelves, this was a challenge, as the co-op was in a very small space and I had to ensure I didn't get in any customers' way as I cleaned. Once I completed the task, Rosie had me start ringing customers up, a job I excelled at, as customerservice is my forte. Once the interview was over, I went home, feeling triumphant. it had goone well, I thought...maybe. What a process to go through to get a job, but I felt decure with their system, I was sure it ensured that they found the right people.
Finally I got The Call, Chris called to offer me the position as Front End Manager! I was beside myself! A real job! At a super cool place!
The first few months of my employment at the co-op wer rocky, I really wanted to do well and uphold the standards and systems the co-op had in place, while helping the Management team plan the impending expansion pro ject.
Then I got pregnant.
I found out I was pregnant in March of 2011 and the expanded co-op was set to open in May of 2011, so by the time the baby came we would have been in the new space for a few months and settled in pretty well, it seemed that the timing was perfect.
As the expansion dates came closer my job expanded along with my waistline, as the human Resources Coordinator and hiring Manager, I was constantly interviewing and training new employees, a job I loved. It seemed the closer we got to the expansion, the better I got at my job, nrever before had I loved a job as much as I loved mine, I looked forward to going to workaverday, a rare luxury I had never experienced before, my jop had a purpose and did somwthing great for my community.
The expansion went off without a hitch. The first few days in the new space were hectic to say the least, but satidfying, it was great to work with such a great team.
Then my blood pressure spiked.
Things started getting complicated when I became hypertensive halfway through my pregnancy, and the co-op supported me and helped me through all of it, they were always flexible whever I was told by a doctor that I couldn't wor for an extended span of time, even I pretty much had to be at work all of the time, luckily, I had an extremely capavle Lead Cashier to be me when I wasn't there.
Then I had a stroke....and a baby.
I can't think of any other jov I've had that would have supported me after my stroke the way the co-op has, Rosie came to the hospital on the night of the stroke, because I asked for her. The co-op set up a system for bringing me lunches while I was in rehab ondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. My Lead Cashier took over running the Front End during the busiest time of year(Thanksgiving) and the transition, by all accounts I've heard, was seamless. The co-op has also allowed me to come back and work, something that has been pricekess to me, working not only increases my stamina, my cogitive ability and my confidence. Even though I was unable to step back into my role asFront End Manager, many of the people I hired are still there and have moved up in the ranks, which makes me proud.
I counmyself lucky to live in a town with such a great co-op and to have a job as supportive and helpful as I do. We all should be so lucky.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Change of Vocation: Revised
So, I didn't really make the point I was trying to make in my last post, I was feeling a little scattered and wasn't taking my time with it and that's what happens.
So I'm going to give it another go:
Mat and I recently bought a house, to say that it needs a lot of work is an understatement, so we are rushing to make the place livable as soon as possible, so we're not paying for a house we're not living in. This means that Matt leaves Charlotte and I to our own devices during the day to go work on it and comes home around dinnertime. So, I handle everything, on my own, all day long.
In my dark days in rehab, as I sat in my bed staring at the clock, dreading my next exhausting therapy session, I would sit and ruminate about how cruel the world is, that I wasn't going to have a chance to be the mother I wanted to be. If you had told me then that I'd be home alone with Charlotte all day long, making breakfast, lunch, playing outside,giving naps and even doing mini craft projects with her, I would have laughed at you. A few months ago, I don't think Matt would have even felt comfortable leaving me alone with Charlotte, so, I think the fact that this is happening says a lot about the progress I've made. It feels so good to take care of my baby the way I want to and every moment we spend together, deepens the bond we have, a bond I thought we'd never had.; I know what she's saying when no one else does, I know when she's tired or hungry when no one else is sure about why she's being fussy, just like a real mom. Everyday, I go to bed proud of the parenting I did that day, smiling at the hugs and smiles I recieved.
All of these things are things I did not think I would ever have the ability to do.
For the sake of full disclosure, I've had to beat down some very serious anxiety over being left alone, most of it totally ridiculous, at first, I was scared to death that something would happen to me or Charlotte and what would I do then? Or there's the totally ridiculous fear that Matt wouldn't come home and I'd have to sleep here alone. But I have managed to talk myself out of these totally silly fears, and have calmed down quite a bit, also something I am massively proud of.
So, there, THAT is all I wanted to say, I can take care of Charlotte by myself now! Woot!
So I'm going to give it another go:
Mat and I recently bought a house, to say that it needs a lot of work is an understatement, so we are rushing to make the place livable as soon as possible, so we're not paying for a house we're not living in. This means that Matt leaves Charlotte and I to our own devices during the day to go work on it and comes home around dinnertime. So, I handle everything, on my own, all day long.
In my dark days in rehab, as I sat in my bed staring at the clock, dreading my next exhausting therapy session, I would sit and ruminate about how cruel the world is, that I wasn't going to have a chance to be the mother I wanted to be. If you had told me then that I'd be home alone with Charlotte all day long, making breakfast, lunch, playing outside,giving naps and even doing mini craft projects with her, I would have laughed at you. A few months ago, I don't think Matt would have even felt comfortable leaving me alone with Charlotte, so, I think the fact that this is happening says a lot about the progress I've made. It feels so good to take care of my baby the way I want to and every moment we spend together, deepens the bond we have, a bond I thought we'd never had.; I know what she's saying when no one else does, I know when she's tired or hungry when no one else is sure about why she's being fussy, just like a real mom. Everyday, I go to bed proud of the parenting I did that day, smiling at the hugs and smiles I recieved.
All of these things are things I did not think I would ever have the ability to do.
For the sake of full disclosure, I've had to beat down some very serious anxiety over being left alone, most of it totally ridiculous, at first, I was scared to death that something would happen to me or Charlotte and what would I do then? Or there's the totally ridiculous fear that Matt wouldn't come home and I'd have to sleep here alone. But I have managed to talk myself out of these totally silly fears, and have calmed down quite a bit, also something I am massively proud of.
So, there, THAT is all I wanted to say, I can take care of Charlotte by myself now! Woot!
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Change of Vocation
Iam a Stay At Home Mom. Now, I say that emphatically because.....NEVER EVER in my life have I desired this job, or thought for a second that it would be a job I would hold, but here I am, dpoing the job I never ever thought I would have and trying to do it well.
I've been struggling with accepting my reality lately. Before the stroke, Or BS as I've come to refer to it, I was working about 45 hours a week, and planning on continuing to do so after a 5 week maternity leave, so staying at home all day every day, has been a little difficult to do. I am what you would call a social butterfy, I rnjoy getting out of the house and hangin' with my homies, but due to a couple of siezures (totally normal post-stroke, don't panic) I can't drive, so, I'm esentially stranded, unless some kind soul wants to pick my ass up, and I find myself not wanting to be that friend who begs for rides everywhere, this feeling of being trapped has been closing in on meem until a few days ago.
I don't know what changed, but Matt and I were having a duscussion during which I said something along the lines of, " I have a lot og life left to live and I intend to live it wee abd enjoy it!" Thenm it hit me, I wasn't enjoying it, I was bemoaning it. The nextday as Charlotte and I ent about our daily routine, I found myself enjoying myself, just being at home, with her, just us. I make her breakfast and lunch I clean up those dished, I am potty training, I am doing all of these things that I was scared to death I wasn't going to be able to do and lately, I go to bed exhausted and satisfied at a job well done.
So now, this job I never asked for is growing on me and I'm finding that my house is not so confining, because , you never know what's going to happen in a day, or what new cool thing Charlotte's going to do, that I wouldn't want to miss.
Here's to the Stay At Home Mom! It's not an easy job, but it's an important one!
I've been struggling with accepting my reality lately. Before the stroke, Or BS as I've come to refer to it, I was working about 45 hours a week, and planning on continuing to do so after a 5 week maternity leave, so staying at home all day every day, has been a little difficult to do. I am what you would call a social butterfy, I rnjoy getting out of the house and hangin' with my homies, but due to a couple of siezures (totally normal post-stroke, don't panic) I can't drive, so, I'm esentially stranded, unless some kind soul wants to pick my ass up, and I find myself not wanting to be that friend who begs for rides everywhere, this feeling of being trapped has been closing in on meem until a few days ago.
I don't know what changed, but Matt and I were having a duscussion during which I said something along the lines of, " I have a lot og life left to live and I intend to live it wee abd enjoy it!" Thenm it hit me, I wasn't enjoying it, I was bemoaning it. The nextday as Charlotte and I ent about our daily routine, I found myself enjoying myself, just being at home, with her, just us. I make her breakfast and lunch I clean up those dished, I am potty training, I am doing all of these things that I was scared to death I wasn't going to be able to do and lately, I go to bed exhausted and satisfied at a job well done.
So now, this job I never asked for is growing on me and I'm finding that my house is not so confining, because , you never know what's going to happen in a day, or what new cool thing Charlotte's going to do, that I wouldn't want to miss.
Here's to the Stay At Home Mom! It's not an easy job, but it's an important one!
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