The One With the Other Woman

The other day, one of my co-workers said something really cool to me, we were reviewing a task that I used to perform with great regularity and I was trying to remember how I used to do it.

I told her that I now have a hard time remembering my old routines, like showering and getting ready in the morning because my new routine have become so...well, routine, I went farther and said that I couldn't remember what I was like before the stroke, then she said that she couldn't remember what I es like before the stroke either, because she just thinks of me as I am now.

zthis was so wonderful to hesr, because it is nice knowing that someone accepts me for who I am, rather than comparing me to my former self, like I do all of the time, it;s frustratin, I feel like I'm in constant competition with myself, so much so that I sometimes hate Old Liz. What's so great about her anyway? Why do I have to be like this person? I'm fine the way I am, there seem to be plenty of people around me who seem to think I'm pretty neat and some people who like Liz 2.0 better than Old Liz!

So where does this leave me? Well, I think it's time to stop being ashamed of my speaking voice and start being myself, unabashedly, like that other chick was

The One Where I Make My Point

As I was thinking about my blog post from last night this morning, I realized what my point that I never made was; What I wanted to say is that before this happened I never would have even tried to talk to my new co-hort out of fear and not knowing what to say, but I believe I have found a kindred spirit that I would have otherwise overlooked because I didn't understand. So, remember, make sure not to discount those people who make you a little uncomfortable because hey are different, or because they force you to face your mortality, you may miss out on a bosom friend! Or it might be me!

hTiny miracles

Most people are uncomfortable around those of us with disabilities, I know I was, but now I find myself surrounded by peopl who I formerly would have been uncomfortable around, I'm even making friends with them!

 Ther is a woman at the university's clinic that I've taken a shine to. She has pretty severe aphasia: an impairment of language ability. This class of language disorder ranges from having difficulty remembering words to being completely unable to speak, read, or write. Aphasia is usually linked to brain damage and the most common brain injury that causes aphasia is a stroke. The brain damage which links aphasia can also cause further brain diseases such as cancer, epilepsy and Alzheimer's^{She is only able to use a few words: "nice", "things" "thank you and"nice", the interesting thing about her is that she understands language and if you listen to her responses you can completely understand her response to whatever you said to her, she used to be a rofessional chef and was very impressed whe I told her today that Matt made a pumpkin pie from scratch., she is fiesty and has tons of personality, I love it when we get to work on something together. then, one day, something amazing happened, Charlotte really digs her and she spends a lot of time talking to Charlotte, the other day she said "hi Charlotte." it was a miracle! I felt so lucky to share in that big moment in her life. And it is small miracles like those that make me excited to get up every morning, because you never know.} 

The One With One Turkey for 2.75 People

I know I said earlier this year that last Thanksgiving was the best, most profound meal I've had in my 34 yrears of life. Well, I'm going to amend that statement and I'm going to tell you why, because yesterday was better and I'm going to tell you why

Due to the fact that our families are spread across the North American continent, Matt and I had no plans for Thanksgiving yesterday, ehich I was kind of bummed about, I was excited to spend Thankshiving this year the way I intended to last year; with a big dinner with my family and new baby.

Being a reasonable person, it can happen, sometimes, I did not expect any sort of thanksgiving fare last night, since it was just going to be Matt, Charlotte and I. I did not think a turkey for two adults and one 12-month-old made sense, then, one day earlier this week, Matt came home from the grocery store with a turkey!To my surprise and delight my tireless, overworked and ambitious husband decided that he was going to cook a full thanksgiving spread for our new, little family.Last night he nade, cranberry sauce, stuffing a delicious turkey, pumpkin pie, made from scratch, brussels sprouts mashed potatoes with peas and gravy.

It was the most delicious meal I'v ever had on thanks giving, because there was so much love mixed in in, one more time in the past year I've felt rich beyond my wildest dreams is while I was shoveling a forkfull of food into my face while I was watching Charolotte squish the cranberry sauce we gave her onto her face along with the rest of her food tha ended up on her face, it was the thanksgiving I wanted, I wanted to watch my baby enjoy all of the delicious food that come with this holiday and if the amount of mess she made is a reflection of how much she liked it, then, she loved it!

Humble Pie

For most of my adult life, I've struggled with a fair amount of insecurity and self-loathing, so, I'd never categorize myself as an egotistic person.

But...

This whole experience has been incredibly humbling for many reasons some of them being:

-having to ask for help when I've always been the "I can do it myself!" type

-not having a significant amount of control over my body and having people watch me struggle to do very small, simple things

But the thing that has been the most humbling for me are the things people say about me. I am constantly referred to as courageous and inspiring. Now, let me be clear, I'm glad that it seems that way, but I feel like a big phony when people call me those things, sometimes I wish they'd stop, I get embarrassed, because I've never acted like a bigger scaredey-cat in my life. I just don't want to present myself to the world as this fabulous, strong and brave woman and pretend like that's true, I want to honest. I'm scared all. of. the.time. Of stupid things; getting knocked over by the dog, any flight of stairs, going up curbs, it's really lame. And inspiring? Trust me, in my weakest moments, there is nothing inspiring about my hysterical crying as I throw my various temper tantrums over some little thing I can't do because it takes two hands.

I just want to be honest. I am not a perfect model of stoic heroism, I would be lying if I didn't show who I really am. I'm scared, pissed off and, like hell, this is going to syop me from living my life and making a difference.

Resolved

On January 1st, 2012, I made a promise, on Facebook, here's what I said:"2012: The year of the Hinz girls walking" I thought about that statement today as Iwatched Charlotte slowly shuffle her way across the living room totally unassisted. I thought about that statement and what really got me teary-eyed is the fact that when I made that resolution, I had no idea as to whether I would be able to walk unassisted again. It was haunting, but there I was watching Netflix as I watched my baby grow up in front of me, after my backyard walk, which I've amped up to five laps. I had no idea what to expect out of recovery , we always discussed recovery in hushed tones as if we were discussing something sacred. I didn't know if I'd be walking again by the end of the year or months after my resolution was made, which was the case. So yes, the Hinz girls are mobile, eatch out world!

What a difference a Year Makes!

One year ago, at this time: 2am, I would have been drifting off (crashing into) sleep while Matt watched Adult swim on our TV in our room at rehab. My nurse for the night, Rory or Angela, or , if I was lucky, Joni, would have just popped their head in to check my blood pressure and to see if I had to pee, which I probably did, or if I needed water. I would have undergine the ful battery of therapies furing the day: speech, Recreational, Occupational, and Physical and I would have struggled to stay awake for all of them, just waiting til I had a few spare minutes to fit in a power nap, which is all I ever had time for during my busy days in rehab I probably would have cried at some point in the day, asked Matt, "Why did this happen?"I would have struggled to walk 90 feet in PT. I probably would have only held Charlotte once during the day.

Today, Ispent the whole day hanging out with Charlotte, weplayed with some of her new toys, read a book, and walked around the living room together, a task that was not as difficult as it was a year ago, in fact, a year ago, I had no idea whether I'd ever walk without a cane again. I did not cry today or bemoan my situation, in fact, I've been spending most of my days fighting through the constant haze tof exhaustion that is my permanent companion, so as to fully participate in my life. A year ago, I would describe myself as brain dead. I was soooo tiredand so unables to process any information that I could barely carry on a simple conversation, let alone try to be prsent in my life.

Today I did grab a power nap. I also held Charlotte a lot and changed her diaper and got her food, things I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do  year ago, so, today, I spent most of the day amazed at how far I've come in a year after such a devastating event, so please, trust and know that things can and will always get better. No matter how dark anf hopeless it seems.