Change of Vocation: Revised

So, I didn't really make the point I was trying to make in my last post, I was feeling a little scattered and wasn't taking my time with it and that's what happens.

So I'm going to give it another go:

Mat and I recently bought a house, to say that it needs a lot of work is an understatement, so we are rushing to make the place livable as soon as possible, so we're not paying for a house we're not living in. This means that Matt leaves Charlotte and I to our own devices during the day to go work on it and comes home around dinnertime. So, I handle everything, on my own, all day long.

In my dark days in rehab, as I sat in my bed staring at the clock, dreading my next exhausting therapy session, I would sit and ruminate about how cruel the world is, that I wasn't going to have a chance to be the mother I wanted to be. If you had told me then that I'd be home alone with Charlotte all day long, making breakfast, lunch, playing outside,giving naps and even doing mini craft projects with her, I would have laughed at you. A few months ago, I don't think Matt would have even felt comfortable leaving me alone with Charlotte, so, I think the fact that this is happening says a lot about the progress I've made. It feels so good to take care of my baby the way I want to and every moment we spend together, deepens the bond we have, a bond I thought we'd never had.; I know what she's saying when no one else does, I know when she's tired or hungry when no one else is sure about why she's being fussy, just like a real mom. Everyday, I go to bed proud of the parenting I did that day, smiling at the hugs and smiles I recieved.

All of these things are things I did not think I would ever have the ability to do.

For the sake of full disclosure, I've had to beat down some very serious anxiety over being left alone, most of it totally ridiculous, at first, I was scared to death that something would happen to me or Charlotte and what would I do then? Or there's the totally ridiculous fear that Matt wouldn't come home and I'd have to sleep here alone. But I have managed to talk myself out of these totally silly fears, and have calmed down quite a bit, also something I am massively proud of.

So, there, THAT is all I wanted to say, I can take care of Charlotte by myself now! Woot!

Change of Vocation

Iam a Stay At Home Mom. Now, I say that emphatically because.....NEVER EVER in my life have I desired this job, or thought for a second that it would be a job I would hold, but here I am, dpoing the job I never ever thought I would have and trying to do it well.

I've been struggling with accepting my reality lately. Before the stroke, Or BS as I've come to refer to it, I was working about 45 hours a week, and planning on continuing to do so after a 5 week maternity leave, so staying at home all day every day, has been a little difficult to do. I am what you would call a social butterfy, I rnjoy getting out of the house and hangin' with my homies, but due to a couple of siezures (totally normal post-stroke, don't panic) I can't drive, so, I'm esentially stranded, unless some kind soul wants to pick my ass up, and I find myself not wanting to be that friend who begs for rides everywhere, this feeling of being trapped has been closing in on meem until a few days ago.

I don't know what changed, but Matt and I were having a duscussion during which I said something along the lines of, " I have a lot og life left to live and I intend to live it wee abd enjoy it!" Thenm it hit me, I wasn't enjoying it, I was bemoaning it. The nextday as Charlotte and I ent about our daily routine, I found myself enjoying myself, just being at home, with her, just us. I make her breakfast and lunch I clean up those dished, I am potty training, I am doing all of these things that I was scared to death I wasn't going to be able to do and lately, I go to bed exhausted and satisfied at a job well done.

So now, this job I never asked for is growing on me and I'm finding that my house is not so confining, because , you never know what's going to happen in a day, or what new cool thing Charlotte's going to do, that I wouldn't want to miss.

Here's to the Stay At Home Mom! It's not an easy job, but it's an important one!

Turn

As Charlotte and I sat in the early evening sun, last Sunday, on a picnic table, outside the root beer stand, the song "Turn, Turn, Turn" started playing, as I was helping her finish off the last sip of her first root beer float, something happened and I started to cry. Maybe it was the exhaustion in Charlotte's eyes from a busy day at the beach, maybe it was the layers of dirt on her, telling the story of her day,like sediment tells the history of our world, sunscreen, sand, ice cream, strawberries and root beer, or maybe it was her pink skin from her day of playing in the sand and surf on the shore of Lake Michigan, but I started crying out of pure happiness and thankfulness.

When this journey began, I never thought a day like I had Sunday would be possible, but there I was tending to the daughter I was afraid I wouldn't bond to, helping her drink her root beer and sharing  my chocolate/vanilla twist cone with her, smiling and enjoying, simply other's company after a great day at the beach.

In that moment as I dabbed my eyes with a napkin, while Charlotte tried to lick the last of her root beer off of her straw, and my twisty cone melted on the table where I had set it, I wasn't a stroke survivor, I wasn't Old Liz or Liz 2.0, I was just Charlotte's mom, which is all I ever wanted to be.

T

Break on Through

"Something has changed within me Something is not the sameI'm through with playing by the rulesOf someone else's game"

Yeah, that's about where I'm at right now. In the last week, something has shifted and inner peace has settled in.

For the first time since my brain sprung a leak, I feel comfortable in my skin and confodent in my abilities. Why? I'm not sure, I think it's a mixture of a lot of things, I've been getting up with Charlotte every morning for the last couple of weeks, getting her dressed, feeding her breakfast and playing with her after breakfast, then we do lunch, then we play outside for a bit til naptime. So, I think I'm starting to feel like a mom, and a good one, at that, my bond with Charlotte has been getting depper because of all of this, so my self-doubt as far as whether I can care for her or not has faded and I no longer doubt the fact that she does, in fact, like me.I also think letting go of all of the hate I've had towards my ex in New Haven, has healed my soul, it feels better to acknowledge the love I felt for him, rather than wasting all of that energy hatin ghim.

Lately, I feel like a zen master, in love with everything around me, excited to be awake in the morning, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin from happiness most of the time.

Life is now as it should be, normal, routine and happy, so, I've achieved the goal I had at the beginning of all of this: "I just want to be normal again."

recovered?

"I just want to be normal again."

This was a phrase anyone who came to visit me in rehab would hear come from my mouth.

During those early days, I wanted so desperetly to be restored to my former glory, that the entire goal of recovery was to be myself again.

So here's the real question: What is recovery? Is it my arm and my leg working normally again?

Well, no. It's not, because, I still walk pretty slow, with a very noticeable limp and I use a brace on my leg and my toes and ankle don't move yet, but I manage to get around just fine, in fact, my gait has become smoother and faster in the last few months, thanks to a fancy new leg brace and tons of walking practice, so, I think I'm just fine with the use I have in my leg, and as far as I'm concerned, considering the fact that I had no idea what to expect as far as walking again when all of this started, where I'm at is pretty damn good, I've gone to museums, large stores and walked on my own with no problems, so, I guess that's recovered as far as the leg is concerned. I still have faith that, with time, the ankle and toes will join the land of the living again someday.

And then there's Larry.....Oh Larry.Are there days when I deperatly want to use my hand? Yes. But, it's not the center of my world. There are large groups of people in my life who believe that recovery is getting my hand back, and I'm not a part of that group.So, what is recovery?I wanted to be normal again. And I beilieve I am more normal now than I ever was. I have a deeper understanding of myself and a greater accptance of myself and my life than I had pre-stroke. I love myself now. My life no longer hinges on whether I can use my arm or not.

As far as I'm concerned I am recovered, because I accept and love my life rgardless of my limitations. I no longer take anything for granted, nor do I overlook the wonderful things the people who love me do for me. I can live my life singlehanded and be happy, at the beginning of this process the idea that I might never use my hand again was terrifying, but now? I really don't care, my arm gets stronger and I gain more control over it everyday. if it stays the way it is now, which I don't think will happen. That's just fine, I've learned to live like this and I'm living quite well, thank you.
So, is my journey over? No, I think it will only get better, but I intend to move forward and face whatever challenges life throws at me head on, because I know I can take it.

Recovery complete.

Here and Now

Yesterday as Sara was driving Charlotte and I home from the park, she said something that changed everything in my world.

As we were driving, her girls were planning out what they would eat for lunch, focusing very hard on the many food choices they had waiting for them when they got home. At one point Sara said,"Girls, I want you to stop and take a moment, breathe and take in this moment, because what just happened and what is going to happen doesn't exsist, this moment is now and we only get this moment once." I may be paraphrasing, but I did exactly as she asked and that statement stuck with me for the rest of the day

I've been experiencing some intersting feelings lately that have been a little disconcerting. Lately. the energy that has surrounded me has felt very similar to the energy that swirled around me durimg my first summer in Connecticut, when I was starting to date and fall in love with my boyfriend there.

I was assuming I was feeling that way because I am facing my first summer since the stroke where I feel physically capable of enjoying it, the excitement of that, I assumed was mimicking the excitement of new love, I also assumed that I was supposed to be feeling that way for whatever reason, maybe it was my body and spirit's way of making peace with my past, so I've just been living in it and feeling the full strength of it, even though it was pulling me out of my present.

As I sat with Charlotte yesterday afternoon, I turned what Sara had said over and over in my head, yes, the past doesn't exsist anymore and yes now is the only now I get. But the past does exsist, it exsists in my heart, spirit, mind and soul and I may never experience that present again, but I got to once and I can always remember my perfect summer of love where I loved my new man so fiercely where my adoration for another person was as bottomless as it ever had been when I learned to love the new town I had choosen as my home.

And even though that relationship ended very badly, as many fast and passionate love affairs do, thank goodness I have that experience written into my spiritual DNA, I'm lucky to know what ecstatic, endless love like that feels like, and because I know what it is, I can show Charlotte that love, because it is the same kind of deep limitless love I feel for her.

And as I ended that train of thought, I made peace with New Haven, Connecticut and all that happened there to change me,  I let it go and looked at the moment I was in and loved it, because, someday I will want to remember the simplicity of watching my 19-month-old spin in the middle of the living room, to remember the depth of love I felt for her in that moment, after a successful day at the park together, to remember the deep satisfaction of a job well done, caring for the child that 19 monthss ago I never thought I'd be able to care for effectively.

Since then I've felt, dare I say it? Zen. Happy. Peacful. So, here's my advice, stop. Breathe and notice the moment. You'll never get it again and you'll never want to forget it.

Motherhood...Resumed

You know how I've wrestled with not feeling like much of a mother because of my physical limitations and because I wasn't able to be very involved at the beginning of Charlotte's life?

Well, something magical happened this morning. My friend from the co-op have a little playgroup that meets Friday mornings at a nearby playground, this morning my friend Sara picked Charlotte and I up, so we could play.

I got Charlotte up, fed and dressed with time to spare before Sara arrived, in fact, I have been getting Charlotte up all week this week, I'm trying to give Matt a break since he has pretty much been the only one of us whos been doing that from the beginning.

We went to the playgroud, it was packed, I was fearful, worried that I would lose track of Charlotte because it's hard for me to keep up with her, luckily, Sara had her  daughters, Hannah and Mary with her, both of whom love Charlotte and helped me watch her.

I sat on a bench and watched as Mary took Charlotte to the swings, I joined them, helping Mary push Charlotte who sqealed delightedly as she flew through the air.

Out little group then took a little break on top of a large hill, I walked Charlotte over there, at the bottom of the hill, I had a moment of doubt, would I be able to get up the steep incline to the top? That thought only exsisted for a moment, as I don't allow self-doubt like that to exsist in my brain for long before pushing it back, replacing it with reassurances of success, Hannah took Charlotte to the top for me and I began my climb, I got top the top without incident and wished I had a stadium sized crowd cheering for me, as that what was going on in my head, at that moment, the sun came out from behind the clouds it had been hiding behind, I sat down with my friends, enjoying the sunshine and the company and shared some grapes and water with my child snd friends. Once our snack break concluded, we returned to the playground, I followe Charlotte as she inspected the play structure, climbiong the steps and sliding down the slide, I made sure she stayed safe as she played. By the time it was time to leave I was feeling more like a mom than I have since Charlotte's birth, she and I don't go many places just the two of us, so it was wonderful to spend time somewhere just us girls anf wonderful to know that I am, infact, fully capable of taking care of my child on my own, with some help, it takes a village after all!