It's Allright, It's O.K.

In my darkest moments in rehab, I would lay in my bed, staring at the clock on the wall, trying to figure out what this strange object was trying to tell me, I also thought...a lot I thought about what had happened to me, I sat and thought and dispaired and got very angry at the universe, how dare the universe give me such a perfect, healthy, beautiful baby that I couldn't take care of? How dare it take away my great life, I had? I worried that I would never be able to care for my child the way I wanted to, I worried that Charlotte and I wouldn't bond to one another well, because I was unable to breast feed as I wanted to, I was worried that someday Charlotte would be embarrassed of her disabled mom and never want me around as a result.

The other day, as I was shoveling food into her baby bird-like mouth, I thought about all of that fear, anger, saddness and self-doubt and chuckled to myself, how silly that all seems now. Nowadays I get up when she does, get her out of bed and dressed and fed, then we play together all day. a year ago, all of that seemed like an impossibility, not it is a routine, one that both she and I look forward to, I do, my concerns about not being bonded to her now seem ridiculous, because, even, I, who am constantly riddled with self-doubt, can clearly see that we have a very close bond to each other, kindred spirits, after all, look at what we got through together, how can we not have a bond? Now our closeness is easy to see by anyone who swings by for a visit.

And, I'm sure Charlotte will be embarreassed of me someday, I am her mother, after all and am an embarrassement by default, but will it be because I'm"disabled"? No, I don't think so, because I'm not really disabled, I just have to do things a little differently than other people, slower and, really she's going to grow up with that, it's going to be normal. now I know she'd going to brag abouth her mother who can do asnything she pits her mind to regardless of how challenging it may be, her mom who can do all of these everyday mom things, onehanded. I'm gonna make damn sure she's proud to call mr "mama, and I think she will be, damnit!

Spring Cleaning

Today I made a decision, I spend a lot of my time comparing myself to how I used to be to how I am now, I was a fast talker and mover, etc... I used to do this at my job, but now I do that, blah blah blah, today I decided that I am who I am now and my job is my job.

I am done bringing Old Liz in and coaring her to me now, it's only holding me back, because, really, even if everything suddenly snapped back to the way it was the morning of my stroke, I am still forever changed because of all of this.

And that's ok.
It's actually good, the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Splish Splash Part Deux

On this recovery journey that I'm on there are cripplingly horrible days, days where I doubt if it's even worth trying anymore

And then there are wonderful days,  like today that remind me why I should never ever give up.

A few days ago, I had a revelation of sorts, I was thinking about the moments leading up to my stroke, the last moments I remember before I woke up in the ICU two days later to name the baby I had given birth to without knowing it. Those moments were insane, I was not enjoying them, I was terrified, in the worst pain I'd ever been in, even compared to the pain I had walking around with an exploded kidney, I wa terrified of the pain, scared to death of the pushing that was to come and how much would that hurt? I was impatient to meet the little lady who was so forcefully entering into this crazy world. I was not enjoying these moments, I wasn't enjoying the warm tub of water I was soaking in, I wasn't enjoying my funny husband's attempts at levity, or his kind, loving touches,or his calming voice as her helped me breathe through each horrible, artificial contraction. These could have been my last moments on earth, I mean, really. I am in a very small percentile, 99% of people who suffer hemmorhagic stroke die.

As I was sitting in my living room, watching Charlotte thumb through her books, thinking about this, I had an a-ha! moment, I realized that we never know when our last moment may be, so we better enjoy the one we're in now, that's what I've been trying to do the last few days and, let me tell you, life really is a beautiful thing. Today began as any other day does, Matt got Charlotte up, fed and clothed, we all ate breakfast together in the bedroom and watched cartoons on Netflix for while, then we then took off, the new session of the University's OT clinic began today, I met my new student OT, and as I always am at the beginning of each session, left hopeful about the possiblities.

Matt took Charlotte and I out on a "Coffee Date" as we call it; Bronson hospital, the hospital where my life was saved, has an excellent cafeteria and wonderful energy, and great coffee, so we go there sometimes to spend time together, drink a good cup of joe, munch on some treats and, basically reconnect.

Today was the first summer-like day we've had in Michigan so far, so when we got home, Charlotte and I went out on our patio in the backyard, the best place in the yard, it gets direct sunlight, so it gets very warm there, a welcome repreve from the seemingly endless winter we've had here. Matt put our sprinkler onto the patio and turned the hose on, letting the stream of water fall freely on the patio so Charlotte could experiment with the water, she fiulled the tub we gave her and dumped the water over her head, squealing with joy at this new, exciting actvity. So, there I sat, soaking up some much needed vitamin D, watching my daughter learn about water and what floats (sticks) and what does not(rocks).

In a perfect end to a perfect pre-summer day, charlotte and I sat together, me on the floor, her in her ruffly bathing suit bottom and we shared a red white and blue firecracker popsicle.

It is days like today that make those I don't want to try anymore days worth wrestling rheough.

Thank you Universe.