Thursday, May 23, 2013

It's Allright, It's O.K.

In my darkest moments in rehab, I would lay in my bed, staring at the clock on the wall, trying to figure out what this strange object was trying to tell me, I also thought...a lot I thought about what had happened to me, I sat and thought and dispaired and got very angry at the universe, how dare the universe give me such a perfect, healthy, beautiful baby that I couldn't take care of? How dare it take away my great life, I had? I worried that I would never be able to care for my child the way I wanted to, I worried that Charlotte and I wouldn't bond to one another well, because I was unable to breast feed as I wanted to, I was worried that someday Charlotte would be embarrassed of her disabled mom and never want me around as a result.

The other day, as I was shoveling food into her baby bird-like mouth, I thought about all of that fear, anger, saddness and self-doubt and chuckled to myself, how silly that all seems now. Nowadays I get up when she does, get her out of bed and dressed and fed, then we play together all day. a year ago, all of that seemed like an impossibility, not it is a routine, one that both she and I look forward to, I do, my concerns about not being bonded to her now seem ridiculous, because, even, I, who am constantly riddled with self-doubt, can clearly see that we have a very close bond to each other, kindred spirits, after all, look at what we got through together, how can we not have a bond? Now our closeness is easy to see by anyone who swings by for a visit.

And, I'm sure Charlotte will be embarreassed of me someday, I am her mother, after all and am an embarrassement by default, but will it be because I'm"disabled"? No, I don't think so, because I'm not really disabled, I just have to do things a little differently than other people, slower and, really she's going to grow up with that, it's going to be normal. now I know she'd going to brag abouth her mother who can do asnything she pits her mind to regardless of how challenging it may be, her mom who can do all of these everyday mom things, onehanded. I'm gonna make damn sure she's proud to call mr "mama, and I think she will be, damnit!

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