Friday, February 22, 2013

Inner Monologue

I've been acting in some capacity since I was nine and took my first acting class, yes, if anyone is keeping track, that means I've been at it for about 25 years, one of the first lessons you learn as a young actor and in the subsequent acting classes that follow is about the inner monologue.

Now, everynormal person has a constant chatter that runs through their head as their day progresses,the inner monologue, this narration colors how we react to the many siruations we encounter during our day, so, as an actor, I learned that it was important to always keep in mind what my character's iner monologues was, in order to ensure her reactions were realistic.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned as a result of all of this hula baloo is that a simple change in my inner monologue has been invaluable to me; Where there was a lot of "I can'ts" , "Why did this happens" and "Not fairs" There are now "Of course I cans" and a lot o f " There is no reason why you can't do this'"

I spend most of my time convincing myself that I am capacle of more than I think I am and I've found that altering my inner monologue has made a huge difference in my confidence level when I'm navigaring my world in my new body
What ways can you alter your inner monologue to improve your quality of life?

Thursday, February 14, 2013


A combination of factors have turned today into quite a profound day; I ended my day yesterday by reading my friend Nancy's blog , she always leave me with a smile on my face and love in my heart, I woke up thinking of love in it's many forms.

Also, as I was waiting to leave for therapy this morning, I finished a book! This is a big deal for a few reasons: Reading is now a difficult activity, as I have hard time following narrative and frequently lose my place due to lack of attention, so finishing a book is a big deal, because it takes FOREVER to read one, and I have tons I am really excited to read, but I will keep trying, because the more I do, the easier it will get, right?

I finished This book , and awhile it started out promising, Julia Fox Garrison described the aftershocks of stroke, in a way I couldn't verbalize, but as she proceeded through her recovery journey, I found her refusal to accept her state of being unsettling and upsetting, because I've decided to enjoy my life. No. Matter. What.But her final chapter was so moving, it summed her journey up, they way I would sum up mine so far. This conclusion was so profound I've been thinking about it all day, while I was in therapy, trying my damndest to reach both of my arms into a washer and pull the laundry out, sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital where my life was saved with my husband and daughter, drinking coffe, eating kettlecorn and discussing the horrors of that night and how Matt spent his time while I was in the ICU, just upstairs.

The insecurities I've been experiencing all week dissolved this afternoon as I thought about what Julia FoxGrrison had to say; Life really is full of miracles and every momrnt is an important one, because we never know what's going to happen next, that's what makes life so amazing.

This stroke took away my ability to care for my new baby the way I wanted to, but it's also made me into a more patient and present mother than I may have been without it, as a very wise woman once said t: you can ask the universe for what you want, it may not happen the way you want it to, though..

Because of the stroke I take in and relish every lovely moment I have with my family, like last night, as Matt, Charlotte and I were on the couch together as Matt was tickling Charlotte producing her lovely laugh, the most beautiful sound on earth, I made sure to take note of how she smelled, like freshly bathed baby, how I was feeling, like crying out of happiness and what Matt was doing, smiling at Charlotte, so I could lock that moment away in my memory. I never would have paid that much attention to a single moment before. I was grateful pre-stroke, but for the typical things, but I am tgrateful now, for more than the typical stuff, for the ability to kiss Charlotte and teach her where her belly is and for evey amazing breath,  I may have missed the newborn stuff, but I'm here now and I'm not going to miss anything! Like I told her when I got home from the hospital, "I'm gonna be up your ass from here on out!" The stroke took a lot, but it's given more than I could ever imagine.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Out of The Fog

This morning I woke up at 8:30 to the sound of Charlotte crying in her room. I got up, started warming some milk up, grabbed a squeezey Apple sauce thingy  that she likes and headed up to her room, I then proceeded to change her and dress her , plopped her into her high chair and fed her breakfast, once we were done eating I administered her "Sleepy Juice (warm milk) and put her back into her crib and then I let the whiny dog out to pee, adminstered his morning drink of water and went back to bed (hopefully, you never know).

I awoke at 11:30 to the sound of Matt rolling around, and realized what time it was, my god! was the baby still sleeping?! Was the dog still content?! Must be, because the house was quiet. I lay in bed for a minute, marveling with amazement at my state of being in that moment. I was blissfully pain-free at that moment; I'd been fighting off a three day migraine up until this morning, when the weather changes significantly, I become plunged into headacheland for three days, it never fails. When I am in the migraine haze I can't focus on anything other than the pain, so I don't get much pleasure out of anything, but better yet, my handi work with Charlotte had earned Matt and I a nice sleep-in today!

I've been going through some kind of strange funk lately, feeling highly inadequate, as a wife, a mother and person in general, so, the fact that I was able to cater to my daughter'ss needs this morning, granting my over worked, tired husband some extra shut eye, without him having to do anything made me feel like a good mom and wife, finally! Maybe I'm getting the hang of this stuff!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Triumph over he Weepies!

Cleaning the house is a meditation in frustration for me; An act that I've always loathed is now completely obnoxious now that it is so difficult to accomplish, but cleaning gets me off my butt, helps mr get some exercise and gives me an opportunity to make Larry do some work

Due to my already fragile emotional state  (for many various reasons) today's cleaning adventure was especially trying, I found myself getting more and more agitated as I went on becoming overwhelmingly frustrated  as I kept losing my grip on the broom handle, and completely volcanic as the vacuum got tangled in it's own cord whilr I vacuumed and listened to the sog whine and the baby cry at that moment I came close to losing my shit, dropping everything onto the floor and crumpling into a heaping pile of sobbing wetness, moaning painfully at my pitifull state of being, but then, I looked over an saw my darling child peeking over the edge of her play pen, watching me clean, seeing me being productive, my primary morivation behinf getting up off the couch to clean once in awhile is so she can see her mother accomplishing tasks and being productive and not just being a lazy slug. I saw her looking expectantly at me, what path was I going to go down? Was I going to be over-emotional, cries all the time, self-pitying Mom or I can accomplish whatever I put into my head to do Mom? At that moment I had to choose which side she was going to see so I fought back my urge to crumple and give into the hardness of it all What does Tom Hanks say in A League Of Their Own?

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." At that moment I thought od that quote, finished vacuuming, lt rhe dog out to pee and held, rocked and changed my angel daughter.

This the first success I've had in presenting Charlotte with the mom she should have, I decided a week ago, that I was going to stop breaking down in front of her, I want her to have a strong female role model, a woman who can do anything, who doesn't feel sorry for herself just because things aren't ideal and sare harder than they used to be.

I felt successfull , once I completed the clean, because I did it without weeping, because there wasn't anything to cry about. I CAN vacuum th living room and I CAN sweep the floor, I CAN take care of my 15-Month-Old and a puppy at the same time! I gues I am a real Mom after all!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Next to Godliness

I am not a clean person, anyone who has visited anyof the apartments I've lived in over the years, or lived with me, can attest to that fact. Why? I'm lazy, I hate cleaning, and because I hate  it, I'm no good at it, so I avoid it like the plague.

As a result of my injury, not much has been expected of me as far as cleaning goes, so Matt ends up bearing the brunt of keeping the home we share with John, my Brother-In-Law, clean. I really hate not contributing to the household, but anytime the idea of me cleaning or helping to clean, my self-doubt and total lack of faith in my abilities have reared their ugly heads and stopped me from even trying.

So, in an effort to stay active and stick to my new year's resolution: strong body, strong choices, etc.. I decided that once a week I would take on cleaning the living room, the room where Charlotte and I spend most of our time, which therefore gets VERY messy, I was scared when the first day arrived that I had designated as Cleaning Day, I almost backed out, overwhelmed by the amount of work ahead of me, but then I found if I broke the cleaning down into a series of small jobs, it didn't seem so bad, and I did it! And my neat freak of a brother-In-Law approved of the job I did, a true success, ever since, I've been sticking to my guns, trying to find little things to clean throughout the week, so I don't have as much to do on Cleaning Day.

Never before have I found so much satisfaction from cleaning or been so proud of the job I've done, but when I gaze at my newly cleaned room, I feel like a kid who just got a gold star from her teacher. So, that'll teach me to stop second guessing myself or shoul, anyway.