Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Change of Vocation: Revised

So, I didn't really make the point I was trying to make in my last post, I was feeling a little scattered and wasn't taking my time with it and that's what happens.

So I'm going to give it another go:

Mat and I recently bought a house, to say that it needs a lot of work is an understatement, so we are rushing to make the place livable as soon as possible, so we're not paying for a house we're not living in. This means that Matt leaves Charlotte and I to our own devices during the day to go work on it and comes home around dinnertime. So, I handle everything, on my own, all day long.

In my dark days in rehab, as I sat in my bed staring at the clock, dreading my next exhausting therapy session, I would sit and ruminate about how cruel the world is, that I wasn't going to have a chance to be the mother I wanted to be. If you had told me then that I'd be home alone with Charlotte all day long, making breakfast, lunch, playing outside,giving naps and even doing mini craft projects with her, I would have laughed at you. A few months ago, I don't think Matt would have even felt comfortable leaving me alone with Charlotte, so, I think the fact that this is happening says a lot about the progress I've made. It feels so good to take care of my baby the way I want to and every moment we spend together, deepens the bond we have, a bond I thought we'd never had.; I know what she's saying when no one else does, I know when she's tired or hungry when no one else is sure about why she's being fussy, just like a real mom. Everyday, I go to bed proud of the parenting I did that day, smiling at the hugs and smiles I recieved.

All of these things are things I did not think I would ever have the ability to do.

For the sake of full disclosure, I've had to beat down some very serious anxiety over being left alone, most of it totally ridiculous, at first, I was scared to death that something would happen to me or Charlotte and what would I do then? Or there's the totally ridiculous fear that Matt wouldn't come home and I'd have to sleep here alone. But I have managed to talk myself out of these totally silly fears, and have calmed down quite a bit, also something I am massively proud of.

So, there, THAT is all I wanted to say, I can take care of Charlotte by myself now! Woot!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Change of Vocation

Iam a Stay At Home Mom. Now, I say that emphatically because.....NEVER EVER in my life have I desired this job, or thought for a second that it would be a job I would hold, but here I am, dpoing the job I never ever thought I would have and trying to do it well.

I've been struggling with accepting my reality lately. Before the stroke, Or BS as I've come to refer to it, I was working about 45 hours a week, and planning on continuing to do so after a 5 week maternity leave, so staying at home all day every day, has been a little difficult to do. I am what you would call a social butterfy, I rnjoy getting out of the house and hangin' with my homies, but due to a couple of siezures (totally normal post-stroke, don't panic) I can't drive, so, I'm esentially stranded, unless some kind soul wants to pick my ass up, and I find myself not wanting to be that friend who begs for rides everywhere, this feeling of being trapped has been closing in on meem until a few days ago.

I don't know what changed, but Matt and I were having a duscussion during which I said something along the lines of, " I have a lot og life left to live and I intend to live it wee abd enjoy it!" Thenm it hit me, I wasn't enjoying it, I was bemoaning it. The nextday as Charlotte and I ent about our daily routine, I found myself enjoying myself, just being at home, with her, just us. I make her breakfast and lunch I clean up those dished, I am potty training, I am doing all of these things that I was scared to death I wasn't going to be able to do and lately, I go to bed exhausted and satisfied at a job well done.

So now, this job I never asked for is growing on me and I'm finding that my house is not so confining, because , you never know what's going to happen in a day, or what new cool thing Charlotte's going to do, that I wouldn't want to miss.

Here's to the Stay At Home Mom! It's not an easy job, but it's an important one!