Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Change of Vocation: Revised

So, I didn't really make the point I was trying to make in my last post, I was feeling a little scattered and wasn't taking my time with it and that's what happens.

So I'm going to give it another go:

Mat and I recently bought a house, to say that it needs a lot of work is an understatement, so we are rushing to make the place livable as soon as possible, so we're not paying for a house we're not living in. This means that Matt leaves Charlotte and I to our own devices during the day to go work on it and comes home around dinnertime. So, I handle everything, on my own, all day long.

In my dark days in rehab, as I sat in my bed staring at the clock, dreading my next exhausting therapy session, I would sit and ruminate about how cruel the world is, that I wasn't going to have a chance to be the mother I wanted to be. If you had told me then that I'd be home alone with Charlotte all day long, making breakfast, lunch, playing outside,giving naps and even doing mini craft projects with her, I would have laughed at you. A few months ago, I don't think Matt would have even felt comfortable leaving me alone with Charlotte, so, I think the fact that this is happening says a lot about the progress I've made. It feels so good to take care of my baby the way I want to and every moment we spend together, deepens the bond we have, a bond I thought we'd never had.; I know what she's saying when no one else does, I know when she's tired or hungry when no one else is sure about why she's being fussy, just like a real mom. Everyday, I go to bed proud of the parenting I did that day, smiling at the hugs and smiles I recieved.

All of these things are things I did not think I would ever have the ability to do.

For the sake of full disclosure, I've had to beat down some very serious anxiety over being left alone, most of it totally ridiculous, at first, I was scared to death that something would happen to me or Charlotte and what would I do then? Or there's the totally ridiculous fear that Matt wouldn't come home and I'd have to sleep here alone. But I have managed to talk myself out of these totally silly fears, and have calmed down quite a bit, also something I am massively proud of.

So, there, THAT is all I wanted to say, I can take care of Charlotte by myself now! Woot!

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