A combination of factors have turned today into quite a profound day; I ended my day yesterday by reading my friend Nancy's blog , she always leave me with a smile on my face and love in my heart, I woke up thinking of love in it's many forms.
Also, as I was waiting to leave for therapy this morning, I finished a book! This is a big deal for a few reasons: Reading is now a difficult activity, as I have hard time following narrative and frequently lose my place due to lack of attention, so finishing a book is a big deal, because it takes FOREVER to read one, and I have tons I am really excited to read, but I will keep trying, because the more I do, the easier it will get, right?
I finished This book , and awhile it started out promising, Julia Fox Garrison described the aftershocks of stroke, in a way I couldn't verbalize, but as she proceeded through her recovery journey, I found her refusal to accept her state of being unsettling and upsetting, because I've decided to enjoy my life. No. Matter. What.But her final chapter was so moving, it summed her journey up, they way I would sum up mine so far. This conclusion was so profound I've been thinking about it all day, while I was in therapy, trying my damndest to reach both of my arms into a washer and pull the laundry out, sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital where my life was saved with my husband and daughter, drinking coffe, eating kettlecorn and discussing the horrors of that night and how Matt spent his time while I was in the ICU, just upstairs.
The insecurities I've been experiencing all week dissolved this afternoon as I thought about what Julia FoxGrrison had to say; Life really is full of miracles and every momrnt is an important one, because we never know what's going to happen next, that's what makes life so amazing.
This stroke took away my ability to care for my new baby the way I wanted to, but it's also made me into a more patient and present mother than I may have been without it, as a very wise woman once said t: you can ask the universe for what you want, it may not happen the way you want it to, though..
Because of the stroke I take in and relish every lovely moment I have with my family, like last night, as Matt, Charlotte and I were on the couch together as Matt was tickling Charlotte producing her lovely laugh, the most beautiful sound on earth, I made sure to take note of how she smelled, like freshly bathed baby, how I was feeling, like crying out of happiness and what Matt was doing, smiling at Charlotte, so I could lock that moment away in my memory. I never would have paid that much attention to a single moment before. I was grateful pre-stroke, but for the typical things, but I am tgrateful now, for more than the typical stuff, for the ability to kiss Charlotte and teach her where her belly is and for evey amazing breath, I may have missed the newborn stuff, but I'm here now and I'm not going to miss anything! Like I told her when I got home from the hospital, "I'm gonna be up your ass from here on out!" The stroke took a lot, but it's given more than I could ever imagine.