Saturday, February 9, 2013

Triumph over he Weepies!

Cleaning the house is a meditation in frustration for me; An act that I've always loathed is now completely obnoxious now that it is so difficult to accomplish, but cleaning gets me off my butt, helps mr get some exercise and gives me an opportunity to make Larry do some work

Due to my already fragile emotional state  (for many various reasons) today's cleaning adventure was especially trying, I found myself getting more and more agitated as I went on becoming overwhelmingly frustrated  as I kept losing my grip on the broom handle, and completely volcanic as the vacuum got tangled in it's own cord whilr I vacuumed and listened to the sog whine and the baby cry at that moment I came close to losing my shit, dropping everything onto the floor and crumpling into a heaping pile of sobbing wetness, moaning painfully at my pitifull state of being, but then, I looked over an saw my darling child peeking over the edge of her play pen, watching me clean, seeing me being productive, my primary morivation behinf getting up off the couch to clean once in awhile is so she can see her mother accomplishing tasks and being productive and not just being a lazy slug. I saw her looking expectantly at me, what path was I going to go down? Was I going to be over-emotional, cries all the time, self-pitying Mom or I can accomplish whatever I put into my head to do Mom? At that moment I had to choose which side she was going to see so I fought back my urge to crumple and give into the hardness of it all What does Tom Hanks say in A League Of Their Own?

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great." At that moment I thought od that quote, finished vacuuming, lt rhe dog out to pee and held, rocked and changed my angel daughter.

This the first success I've had in presenting Charlotte with the mom she should have, I decided a week ago, that I was going to stop breaking down in front of her, I want her to have a strong female role model, a woman who can do anything, who doesn't feel sorry for herself just because things aren't ideal and sare harder than they used to be.

I felt successfull , once I completed the clean, because I did it without weeping, because there wasn't anything to cry about. I CAN vacuum th living room and I CAN sweep the floor, I CAN take care of my 15-Month-Old and a puppy at the same time! I gues I am a real Mom after all!

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