When all of this began, I was shocked. When I walked into the hospital that cold, rainy November morning, I thought I was going to be happily holding and breastfeeding my new baby girl that night. Well...the universe had other plans for us that day. Do any of us end up being the parents we thought we were going to be, really?
As I would sit in my rehab room, I would stare at the whiteboard with my therapy schedule, just fuming about what had occurred, trying to make sense out of this incredibly confusing situation. "All I wanted was to be a Mom."I would whine to Matt, sitting on his lap. In those early days, I was convinced I would never be able to truly be a mother to my beautiful baby girl. I felt totally incapable of caring for her, both physically and cognitively.
But...As every new parent does, I learned. As each day passed, my head became clearer, my body became stronger and my confidence increased, I began to understand and know what this little stranger needed from me moment to moment.
And now..everyday I spend with her, I feel our bond deepen, this person who I feared would be embarrassed of my disability, I am now convinced will always defend me to the teeth, because of what I willingly sacrificed for her( I think an arm is a fair trade off for a healthy baby, don't you?) And what I have overcome on my journey to motherhood.
My only hope is that I can be a stong influence for her, an example that giving up is never an option, that there is always hope as long as you have love in your heart. And now, suddenly, this stroke survivor who feared her chance at motherhood had been whisked away has found herself to be capable, present and excellent mom.