Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Humble Pie

For most of my adult life, I've struggled with a fair amount of insecurity and self-loathing, so, I'd never categorize myself as an egotistic person.


This whole experience has been incredibly humbling for many reasons some of them being:

-having to ask for help when I've always been the "I can do it myself!" type

-not having a significant amount of control over my body and having people watch me struggle to do very small, simple things

But the thing that has been the most humbling for me are the things people say about me. I am constantly referred to as courageous and inspiring. Now, let me be clear, I'm glad that it seems that way, but I feel like a big phony when people call me those things, sometimes I wish they'd stop, I get embarrassed, because I've never acted like a bigger scaredey-cat in my life. I just don't want to present myself to the world as this fabulous, strong and brave woman and pretend like that's true, I want to honest. I'm scared all. of. the.time. Of stupid things; getting knocked over by the dog, any flight of stairs, going up curbs, it's really lame. And inspiring? Trust me, in my weakest moments, there is nothing inspiring about my hysterical crying as I throw my various temper tantrums over some little thing I can't do because it takes two hands.

I just want to be honest. I am not a perfect model of stoic heroism, I would be lying if I didn't show who I really am. I'm scared, pissed off and, like hell, this is going to syop me from living my life and making a difference.

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