Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness an awful lot since this happened; I've never been the most temperate person, I fly off the handle easily and get mad and form grudges over teeny tiny things, so I've been considering, is it really worth my limited energy to stay mad at someone over something that happened forever ago? Nope. Life is way too short to carry anger around forever. I came pretty close to dying and there were people I was mad at that would never have known how important they were to to me simply because I was mad an too proud to let go of what I was holding onto, yesterday,  I spologized to someone who played a vital and important role in my life, someone I treated badly and man, it felt good to send that energy out into the cosmos! And I was greeted with a very humble and kind reply, not exactly what I expected.

So the moral of the story is? Forgive each other, we owe it to onr another, it takes too much energy to hang onto hate and you never know when ypur last chance to make things right may be.

Decided

Due to an unfortunate event last week my irrational fear of the stairs and entering the bathroom at the top of said stairs reared it's ugly head again. After a couple of nights lying in bed fretting over my entry tactics and  handful of sucessful entries through the scary doorway, I got over it.

Because I decided that I didn't want to be scared of it anymore, so I told myself I wasn't and wouldn't you know it? I believed it! S now as I'm beginning a task that strikes unreasonable fear into my heart I tell myself that I'm not afraid because I don't have to be and astonishingly, it works! This new discovery has made my world much easier and less scary to navigate.

Tough...

Today I went to see my primary care physician, just to follow up on the treatment he recommended for my way too frequent headaches, t the end of the visit he said, "It's a good thing you're so tough."

"I don't feel very tough." was my sheepish response, he chuckled.


Maybe he chuckled because I was being ridiculous, because I spent the whole visit trying to get a laugh, but was greeted with unamused glances, so why would he chuckle at such an offhand and truthful comment?

Because, really, I do not feel like the tough, warrior woman that people seem to think I am and that I want to be, so I work to maintain this tough exterior pretending that I am not bothered by my altered state of being, maybe I'll eventually believe that little white lie I tell myself eventually. It's tiring to maintain that facade because, I' am scared all of the time, scared of falling down the stairs of tripping while walking, of stumbling while I try to hoist myself up onto a curb, scared of my daughter not want her disabled mom around because she is embarrassed, scared that my over worked, overtired husband will eventually give into the stress of it all and leave.Truthfully, I am pretty much a giant ball of anxiety, you can pretty much assume if you see me I am fretting over something or other, I know, I know, it's not good to worry overmuch, not good for my mental health or my recovery, but there it is, your warrior woman is basically a wet rag most of the time, ready to melt into a puddle of tears at a moments notice, I even feel like crying as I type these words.

Am I tough? I don't think so, but I'm doing my damndest to be everyday and I hope I'm making everyone proud.

To Life

A year ago on October 10th, as I was turning 33, I was anxiously awaiting the pains that would signal my daughter's entrance into the world, little did I know her entrance would in a completley different manner than I expected. I tend to use my birthday as a time to reflect on the last year of life, to set new goals, last year I was wrapped in my expectation, wondering who this person was who kept shoving her butt into my ribs and wondering who this little person would turn me into, I wondered what my 34th birthday would be like as a mom.

Well, 34 came and went, I was as reflective, if not more than I usually am, but this year I was just happy to have made it to 34, as there was a chance I may not have. Mat and I visited Three West, so I had more to think about and as we drove through town, tears came to my eyes as I watched the beautiful fall colors slide by my window, I was so happy to be alive on that perfect autumn day, my daughter, who a year ago seemed so far way giggled in her car seat as I made faces at her, and I realized that, not only has this experience made me a stronger person, but a better one, I resolved to vut out the complaing anytime things aren't the way I want them to be, I also resolved to quit saying nasty things about myself, like calling myself retarded, fat and crooked.

It was probablt the best birthday I've had

discipline

As I was taking my backyard Walk today I was thinking about how much self-discipline this has taken on my part, I've never been very disciplined, if I started a workout routine or a diet of some kind, my motivation always wavered and I'd give up the ghost. But I do my exercises everyday, damnit! I make sure John and I take a really long walk at least twice a week and I always go on my backyard walk, no matter what, I also am attempting to rid my world of negative self-talk, I never want Charlotte to hear me say bad things about myself, I don't want her picking that habit up, and only saying nice things about yourself is surprisingly hard, so I have become this new incredibly disciplined person as a result of this, so I guess it isn't all bad.

And Of an Era

When Matt wheeled me into my first session of outpatient therapy, I was despondent, I couldn't walk, had a tough time talking and couldn't care for my baby. Today as I walked out for the last time into the grey, rainy October day I was overwhelmed by emotion, I have my life back because of the time I spent there. I can now care for my baby, I can walk(I did 2.3 miles yesterday, in fact) and express myself just fine plus I met some awesome people to boot.

I think the most incredible thing about this experience is the people I have met as a result, people who I never would have met, people who in different circumstances I would have been besties with. My therapists took a broken, weak, despondent, apathetic woman an helped trasnsform her into the strong, working,  2.3 mile- walking detemined woman I am today. Without them, I'd still be dependent on my wheelchair when I went out in public and I wouldn' be as actively involved in Charlotte's life.

They helped me to believe that there is life after stroke and it can be a good life, regardless of how much of me works.

And they like me, not knowing Old Liz, only New and Improved, so that must mean I'm still my normal, likable self!

So now, the ball is in my court, so to speak, I will continue to fight the good fight everyday, keep telling Larry that he can come back and continue believing that I will give out two armed hugs again.

Now the future is open in front of me and the all I see are possibilities, love and hope. It's not over, it wont be til I am six feet under, I will keep enjoying the hell out of everyday and being thankful for all of the therapists who were sent to me to heal my body and spirit.

Labels

There has been a massive smack down going on in my psyche between Old Liz and New Liz. Who is better?Old Liz is the girl I've become pretty saccustomed to over the years, she's loud, smarmy, a total smart ass and loves to make terrible jokes, ne liz's mind moves a little slower, tallks a little quiter and more slowly, she still makes awful jobs, and sings cheesy songs when the mood strikes her, so she's really not that different from Old Liz, New Liz is also more grateful for all she has, enjoys everyday a little more than Old Liz did, she is also kinder and less judgemental and more patient, si I have decided to dubNe Liz as New and Improved Liz. That''l probably help resolve the boxing match.