Today I went to see my primary care physician, just to follow up on the treatment he recommended for my way too frequent headaches, t the end of the visit he said, "It's a good thing you're so tough."
"I don't feel very tough." was my sheepish response, he chuckled.
Maybe he chuckled because I was being ridiculous, because I spent the whole visit trying to get a laugh, but was greeted with unamused glances, so why would he chuckle at such an offhand and truthful comment?
Because, really, I do not feel like the tough, warrior woman that people seem to think I am and that I want to be, so I work to maintain this tough exterior pretending that I am not bothered by my altered state of being, maybe I'll eventually believe that little white lie I tell myself eventually. It's tiring to maintain that facade because, I' am scared all of the time, scared of falling down the stairs of tripping while walking, of stumbling while I try to hoist myself up onto a curb, scared of my daughter not want her disabled mom around because she is embarrassed, scared that my over worked, overtired husband will eventually give into the stress of it all and leave.Truthfully, I am pretty much a giant ball of anxiety, you can pretty much assume if you see me I am fretting over something or other, I know, I know, it's not good to worry overmuch, not good for my mental health or my recovery, but there it is, your warrior woman is basically a wet rag most of the time, ready to melt into a puddle of tears at a moments notice, I even feel like crying as I type these words.
Am I tough? I don't think so, but I'm doing my damndest to be everyday and I hope I'm making everyone proud.