My BFF Sheila came for a visit today, from the beginning of this ordeal she has been a wall of strength for me, always letting me know that she believes in me and finding me support in places I never would have looked for it. She is always full of advice for me, ways to fight depression and hoplessness when it creeps in she also fully beieves in my body's ability to heal itself and makes sure that I have the same belief as well.
I have a tendency to use self-deprecating humor to diffuse any discomfort my disability may cause ain others, so, I have a tendency to refer to myself in less than positive terms, usualy to get a laugh, I will refer to myself as brain damaged, which is, in fact, true.
Because my self-confidence has taken a hit because of all of this, I haven't quite gotten my swagger back yet, but I'm working on it, I tend to be pretty negative when I talk about myself, I will call myself stupid, constantly insult my speaking voice and second grade quality writing and, generally be down on myself, which I'm sure makes lots of people uncomfortable, because no one likes that person.
Today, Sheila pointed out , multiple times that I need to change my narrative when I'm talking about myself and she's right, as usual. I feel embarrassed after spending an afternoon bemoaning my exsistence and saying nasty things about myself, because it's ridiculous, I've come so far from where I started, I never could have imagined having this much peace of mind when I began this journey. Do I still get mad? Yes! It's really shitty and this whole thing sucks! I want to hug my daughter with both arms, goddamnit! and I will, mark my words, some day I will and it will be the best hug I will ever give and the best hug Charlotte will ever get!