Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Tis the Season

Christmas of 2012 was a bit different from Christmas of 2011, just a bit...

Last year, I was released from rehab for one day on Christmas and had to return at the end of the day, which sucked, because I was being released from rehab two days later.

I woke up so excited on Christmas day, so excited to see my family to eat real food in my home with my baby. Matt wheeled me out into the crisp December air, I had barely been outside since early November os being outside was quite an event, we drove home, I sat in the passenger seat, staring blankly out of the window, excited, and anxious to get home. I believe Matt wheeled me into the house, either that or I hauled myself in on my cane, I wasn't walking freestyle yet. I remember sitting at dinner, still in my comatose state, the state I lived in for the first four months post-stroke, so I sat at dinner, mindlessly shoveling food into my mouth, bsrely tasting it, embarassed because there was someone I didn't know very well at dinner that night, I was incredibly self-conscious about eating in front of people because my mouth was still not working well enough to makes it a neat process, my attention span was also so terrible that I made a huge mess out of myself and anything close to me when I ate. So, I sat at Christmas dinner, trying to pay attention to the many conversations going on around me, battling, my insecurity, in fact, I barely remember any of it., at some point we retreated into the living room and Matt was nice enough to put Ian McKellan's Richard III on for me to watch, because I had been quoting it non stop, "Now is the winter of my discontent." and so on. I immediately fell asleep in the chair I sat down in, and Matt took me up to our bedroom where we lay down for a nap and a chance to cuddle, one of our favorite activities, which we hadn't been able to do for two months. I sank into the familiar an soft matress and nested down into the manny layers of blankets that live on my bed, nesteled myself deep into Matt's arms and cried my face off, our bed was so warm, so familiar and so comfortable, the thought of having to go back to the hospital was torture, even if it was just for two daysm I knew it would be the longest two days of my life, After I got the tears out I had the modt restful nap of my life. Then we went back to the hospital and my routine there.

This year, we got up on Christmas morning in our comfy, warm bed, I was greeted with the familiar faces of my family, the laughter of my daughter as she played with her cousins, I walked down the stairs on my own and sat on the couch, watching intently as all of the kids and others opened gifts, paying close attention to everymoment drinking it in, happy to be having such a normal Christmas morning, I drank coffee and ate my traditional cinnamon rolls that my mother-In -Law bought for me, so I could participate in my famiily's Christmas morning tradition.

It was certainly the best Christmases I've spent, it was everything Christmas is supposed to be, filled with love, laughter and people you care about.

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