Body Image

Just like most women I've been struggling with my body image since I passed through the hellish gates of puberty and entered the gloomy world of adolescence. For years I disparaged my body for not being thin enough, my stomach for no being flar enough, you know the drill..Then I got pregnant, I had no idea how soon my body would start changing or how it would, I went up an entire cup size within weeks of learning I was baking my little Charlotte muffin, I started "showing" soon after that, but I was only showing the extra weight I was putting on as a result of having to constantly eat to fend off nausea, and Charlotte demanded I eat cookies round the clock, and  I reluctantly(not really) gave in to her requests for cookies, I was terrified of gaining too much weight, but I tried to not worry too much about it, after all I was supporting new life and I'd be able to lose the weight once she was born.Pregnancy was an interesting time for me, I am not one of those women who love it, I hated being physically limited, but once that little girl started squirming around I loved it, feeling her and knowing that my body was doing this amazng thing was the most empowering thing I've ever experienced. Every week I'd get an email updating me on what was occuring in my womb, it amazed me that my body just knew that it was time to start making fingernails all on it's own, I think this was the first time I ever felt any respect for my body, then I went into labor and had a stroke that paralyzed one side of my body, so much for all of the exercise I was going to do once the baby was born...The firdt couple months after the birth I as bedridden and stuck eating incredibly unhealthy hospital food, so I put on a littlt weight.Now I'm back trying to accept my body for what it is post stroke and post baby. Theother day as I got ou of the shower I caught a glimpse of my silouette in the foggy mirror and I stopped for a second, I was looking at a woman with a perfect hour glass figure, a woman whose body survived a tramatic event and whose body carried her unborn baby through safely, this woman's body is getting stronger everyday and gets her through her punising therapy sessions, now I am proud of my body, it's just fine thanks too bad it took a stroke and a baby to love my body.

Perking Up

Afew thing happened yesterday that have improved my mood a bit.
First and most importantly was Charlotte's first big milestone: crawling! Matt and I have to take her to therapy with us, she is always the most popular person there, now that she's learning to move her body around she refuses to sit still so Matt usually sets her on the ground or on whichever mat table I'm working on. Yesterday as my OT Susan was streching my hand and wrist out, Matt put Charlotte down in the OT room she started looking like she was ready to take off so one of the other OTs put a ball down in front of her and she crawled to it! It was such a great moment, I instantly started crying, when Matt asked me why I was crying I told him it was because I was so happy to be here to switness that event and said it was really cool to watch herevolve as she learns different skills and his response was, "that's what it's been like watching you." That made my day, because Matt is not some one who hands out compliments for free. Fior the rest of the day Matt was out in the garage with his brother working on his car, so it was ju Charlotte and I in the house together. I haven't spent much time in Chsrlotte's nursery. Th boys painted it, a chore we didn't feel was a good thing for me because of my hypertendsion, I actually didn't do much nesting at all, other than washing all of her clothes and attempting to organize them in her dresser, I say attempting because I am not a skilled organizer, at all. Modt of the fancy frills and details in Charlottes nursery were added while I was in rehab and since I was done breast feeding by the time I got home from rehab, I just haven' spent any time in there. but yesterday, I spent most of the day in her room with her, changing her diapers, singing to her reading her books feeling like a real mom, a good mom.As I was changing her, I had a revelation. How am I supposed to raise an intelligent, confident and independent young woman if I'm not acting like one myself? S I should cut out the Debbir Downer bullshit before she picks up on it, just because I'm a little diffrent from other moms that doesn't have tp be a bad thing, as far as she's concerned I'm her momand this is just who I am and that's ok, I shouldn't be so scared of it as a good friend of mine always says, every family is different. The final thing that perked me up was a new TV show I discovered on the Sundance channel called Push Girls. This is a reality show about for women who are paralegic, I know, that's not my issue, but still...the women on this show are so confident and accepting of who they are, they don' appologize for themselves they just are who they are, with wheelchairs and watching them go about their daily activities in the way they have to, hrlped me see just because I have to do things a bit differently now, that's not a bad thing, in fact this morning as I was showering and getting my breakfast ready I was noticing how much easier everything is becoming, it's as big of a pain to take a shoewer and getting in and out of the tub is no big deal anymore as opposed to the challenge it used to be

Finding My Voice

I think I've brought up the fact that I'm talker multiple times now, so when I woke up after surgery unable to speak well, imagine my chagrin. I could barely get my words out and people had to put their faces next to mine just to make out what I was saying, normally my boistrous voice can be heard from across a room, I also had a hard time finding what words I wanted to say and I found myself having to chose words carefully to ensure I used the ones I could pronounce, so my ability to express myself, something I am VERY skilled at, was suddenly limited and I felt frustrated. after 30 years of life, I had a well developed sense of self, but between the fog that the stroke left me in and my limited capacity to express myself, I felt I lost that person, so I basically got dent back to square one, trying to find myself all over again. And what I found was unexpected, I found strength I didn't realize I had,  resiliency and optimism that I thought might have died from disuse, but throughout it all, I've had this blog. I really started the blog so people would be able to know how I was doing, the outpouring support I recieved was so intense, I thought some one out there might be interested in what I thought, I didn't realize how many people(especially from high school) liked me!But this has been a great place for me to sort through and process my emotions in healthy way, but most of all when I read through the old posts I can hear my voice as it used to sound saying the words thexact way I would have said them, so this blog is really helping reconnect with the person I was and am, so now when I speak to old friends and family members, I no longer feel like a stranger to myself, but I'm becoming accustomed to the new me, and she's pretty cool!
On s separate note:

Some members of my family read this article so I've applied to take part in the study, so please cross fingers nd toes for me! Also Charlotte crawled for the first time today while we were in therapy! I cried and felt lucky that I am here to see that wonderful moment, I cried tears of pride for my amazing and super intelligent baby

memory

I think it's been pretty obvious that this has been a tough week for me, I think my frustration over my altered memory bubbled over and I believe that is why.

I've always had a good short-term memory, A skill I think I picked up due to the fact that I've been memorizing scripts since the age of nine. So the fact that I can barely remember something I did two minutes ago, let alone remember to shut a door behind me is distressing. Today my OT at the University clinic worked on some memory stuff with me at the beginning of the session she had me hide three items, a cup a spoon and a Hershey's Kiss around the room and I was going to have to find them again at the end of the session, I know this sounds easy, but for me not so much, this is difficult because I wouldn't be able to continue thinking about where I hid said objects while I was doing other things, so basically it was a true memory exercise and I found everything on my own. We also played a memory matching game, which I did ok, and I did a round on a Simon Says, yes the 80's toy! It a remarkably good tool to have when trying to improve memory, let me tell you!

On A Bender

Today I went on a pity party bender while I was working with my OT, Sue, I don't really know what brought it on, we were working on my arm, a constant source of frustration and from there I began bigeing on the liquor of despair calling myself stupid multiple times and declaring myself a retarded cripple whose daughter will eventually be embarrased of some day due to my retardation. Now that I'm sleeping off the effects of said bender, I feel silly, because I am neither stupid nor retarded and Charlotte will be embarrased of me someday, but for all the right reasons, because I am using my right as a parent to embarrass my teenage daughter.As I walked out of therapy I instituted a new rule for myself: no more negative self-talk period. If I sart going there, I am to remind myself of how much headway I've made and of all of the important lessons I've learned.

pep Talk

Needless to say, I have good days and bad ones. I don't really know what came over me last night, but once I posted that entry I immediatly felt bad about. I don't want the tone of the blog to be self-pity and that's what it was, so I got in the shower and as I let the water rinse off the bad attitude, I gave myself a little pep talk. I reminded myself that I had worked my butt off to get to the good place I was in before my stroke and Itold myself that I fully intend to do the same again.I said to myself, "Self, I thought we decided that even though we're different now that the changes are good ones." "Yeah, Iguess." I sullenly responded"So what's the problem?" "I asked myself"I dunno" I responded, shuffling my feet on the ground. I think what it comes down to is this, I feel like such a different person, I feel like I don't fit  in my own skin anymore, I even sound different, but this isn't the first time in my life that I've felt that way, so I know I can feel comfortable with myself again, just like everything else, it's just gonna take some time, luckily I'm stubborn enough to not let this stop me from doing what I want to do. So, sorry, 'bout the pity oparty, guys

self-confidence:fail.

The thing that has taken the biggest beating due to the stroke is most certainly my self-confidence. I no longer feel as smart, witty or attractivre as I used to. I try to remind myself of everything I've accomplished thus far when I'm feeling this way. but everytime I misplace something important because I wasn't paying close attention to what I was doing I feel like an even bigger dolt. I try to hold my head up high when I'm out in public because I have nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, I think I've handled this thing a whole thing lot better than I think a lot of people would, but all I have to do every night is think about all of the things I did today that seven months ago I didn't think I would ever do again; Work, stand for 40 minutes, continue working on my training project at work, hold my baby while standing and walking, coirrectly answer a customer's question, remember a frequent customer's name. So all in all, I'm not doing badly at all, I just feel so disconnected from the headstrong, smart, intelligent and important person I used to be, I have to constantly remind myself that I will be all of those things again.