Reinvention

I was speaking with a friend over the weekend about all of the things I'd like to try to do once I'm more recovered: maybe try ballet, learn violin or cello or the banjo.And at one point  I realized this is great opportunity to reinvent myself. Hoe often do opportunities like this come along? Maybe I'll finally learn how to tap dance or get that history degree 've been dreaming about, the way I look at it, anything is possible and there isn't anything I can't do so I might as well take advantage of this opportunity, maybe I'll takr a ballet class or learn to play the violin or the cello, the sky's the limit!

Milestones

Today I acheived a couple of milestones for me ion my journey to mommyhood. I picked Charlotte up and walked across the room with her! I also changed her diaper completely unassisted! I feel so accomplished now, like I've reached th other side of a hill I was having trouble climbing. I just kept telling myself that I couldn't do those things anI did! so much for can't, I think it's going to be "Let's give it a try" from here on out. I feel closer to my little one today than I have this whole time especially after our mini nap e took together, me on the couch, her on my chest.

Parenting

The other day I was be moaning the fact that I don' get to do nearly as much prent-type stuff as I would like to and Mat swung back with this very comforting statement:"It's fine Liz, there's plenty more parenting to be done."What a relief, I guess I forget that once the baby stuff is over there's still more parenting to be done, the fun stuff that I'm looking forward to doing with her are things I am fully capable of doing, dancing around singing, if you want to call what I do singing, and reading books, so I have all ofthat good stuff t look forward to in addition to th occasional nap sh, I c takes on my chest, when I can manage to chill her out enough for to fall asleep on me, like I just did it is a glorious moment, she just woke up and I feel so relaxed and I can still smell her. So there are certainly moments when I can bask in motherhood, even if I can't carry her around or change a diaper and those moments are neer lost on me, I breathe them in and savor them, I pay attention to every noise she makes, how her chest moves up and down with every breath , she'll be old before I know it and I want to remember every precious moment of her baby years.

Two Months Out

I have now officially been out of the hospital for two months now, after spending about five months in the hospital/ inpatient rehab it was relief to be released. The night before my discharge I was nervous, not knowing what to expect outside of the safety and structure of the rehab unit. I had no idea what to expect out of my new therapists, I didn't know how hard it would be to get around my house, Matt and I would be on our own and up until then we had had an army of nurses and PCAs helping us, but now when I look back on those first few weeks st home, I can feel the difference I have more faith in myself and my body and I'm in much better spirits, I don'think I've ever been as depressed as I was when I first got to be home with my baby, totally unable to do any thing with her but now I can get her a bottle, feed her, get on the floor and play with her and I can carry her across the room, with supervision. when I got home I was still very out of it, I barely remember those first few weeks, I could barely muster up the energy to pay attention to an hour long TV show, let alone follow the plot line, but now I can watch shows as involved as th West Wing and follow along just fine and of course the biggest change is the fact that I can waddle around the house and across the back yard without my cane, something I never woul have considered trying two months ago. So, needless to say things are improving, maybe not as quickly as I would like, but they just get better every day!

Spark

A long time ago a friend told me that I am the spark that ignites a firestorm.What she meant by that is that I tend to inspire change in those closest to me, quite the compliment! I've been repeating this phrase to myself the last few weeks because it makes me feel strong and capable. But the question is, how much change can I inspire in myself? This whole experience has forced me tp dosome very serious introspection into my true character, some times I haven't always liked what I've found such as my eternal pessimism, my lack of fearlessness  and a gebnernal selfishness that I didn't realize lived within me. So to battle these things I do my best to use words and phraseses like "when I can..." in stead of can't or never, I do my best to truly believe that my body knows what its doing an d that it will heal itself and I challenge myself to face anything I fear head on, because I don't want  to walk around being afraid of life just because things are a little harder now I have also been a terrible worry wart. wasting time and energy worrying over things that havent' happened yet or may never happen, I am trying to stop ththatinstinct, because it is tiring and a waste of my precious energy. This has truly been transformative experience an d I will be fundamentally changed for the better because of it.

Green Eyed Monster

A few weeks ago Matt asked me an interesting question, which brought up some interesting thoughts. he asked:"When you see a healthy person do you get jealous?" My immediate answer was yes! But then I thought about it a little more, when I see a healthy person I do feel a bit envious, but I don't spend too much time with that feeling, it's not helping anything, but I do think to myself, " I hope they appreciate what they've got. If there is anything I want to convey through this blog is to be thankful for what you have, be it physical ability, friends family, etc... because your life can change in the blink of an eye, things are never as bad as they seem.

Today...

I had grest day today! It started off a little early for my taste at 7:30am, as I now need a good 12 hours of sleep to function correctly, no more four hour or six hour nights for me! We then headed off to therapy. First I met with Sue, my OT and we discussed, some options I have for further Occupational Therapy if my visits run out and my arm is still not cooperating, we also worked on my crocheting again. I was able to complete a couple of rows with her help in a calm and collected manner. I then had
Physical therapy  PT kicked my butt today! My PT for the day really challenged my balance and the strength in my left leg, so it was good! Last but not least was speech with Annie, my favorite part of any therapy day, we did some math and writing stuff. I always feel so good when Annie is done with me, I do well in our sessions and that makes me feel like I'm still smart, because I don't always feel like I am. I then met my friends, Sara and Rosie at the co-op, my workplace, a trip to co-op is always good for my soul, it's up lifting for me to see so many people who care about my well being and are genuinely happy to see me. My favorite part of the day was the fact that Sara had her three daughters with her, I love those girls! They re creative, caring and compassionate, and lovely to spend time with.. Sara's youngest daughter is three days younger than Charlotte, at one point Sara stood her up next to Charlotte's car seat and they stared at each other and smiled, at one point Charlotte reached out to touch Sheila, it was a beautiful moment and made my day. So, all in all my spirits are much better today than they were yesterday, there are so many good reasons to remain positive and so many things to be happy about, that wasting my time feeling sorry for myself seems so useless

False Alarm

Ok ::sigh:: That little temper tantrum back there ha subsided, after listening to Charlotte squeal with joy for a bit. Sorry about that, ya'll.You see I've never really had to face any real adversity in my life, so at times, that leaves me ill-equipped to handle a challenge of this magnitude. And crashing under the pressure likthat is not my idea of handling this gracefully, so I had good cry took my backyard walk ad got over it.I found group  on th social networking site I am on for yarn crafters made up of single handed crochters, hopfull they will have some insight, and I will be taking my crocheting to therapy tomorrow so I can go over it with my OT again

Anger

Warning:This will not be an uplifting or positive post.

You know those stages of grief? well I'm smack dab in the middle of anger right now. I'm trying to re learn ho to crochet with this tool my OT gave me and I am so upset right now, the fact that I can't partcipate in my favorite actvity easily any more is maddening, crocheting is like breathing to me, it comes so naturally, and I'm really struggling with this new method. I'm so angry that this happened to me, I'm pissed off that I'tcan make a cute toy for Charlotte. I keep trying to remind myself that there was a time I couldn't crochet easily but with practice I learned, which what I'm going to do if, I don't throw my hook across the room and lose it!

My Daily Meditation

Every night as I fall asleep I lay in my bed and listen to the sounds of the house winding down for the night:Charlotte delightedly cooing to herself and kicking her legs on the crib mattress., Matt happily clicking away on his mouse as he plays whatever computer game suits his fancy and his occasional chuckle as he listens to some podcast or another. As I listen to all oft his happy racket, I am so happy to be here to hear it.My heart skips a beat everytime I am reminded that the MRI tech that spoke to Matt told him that my situation was life threatening. I almost didn't get to hear this nightly symphony of delight. So all of those noises make me excited to get up the next day so I can listen to more of my life. I am truly a lucky girl! regardless of how much of me works.

Learning Curve

The other day I was sitting on the couch working on closing and opening (aka, relaxing) the fingers on my left hhand and I glanced over at Charlotte plying in her bouncyexersaucer thingy and at that moment she was intently trying to  wrap her fingers around one of the toys that line her bouncy and I was struck by the fact that at that moment we were both working on learning the same skill at the same time and I finally found a silver lining to this whole situation: how many mothers get to learn alongside their children? I feel fantastically lucky to be able to share moments like those with her

OT& Presciption: Blog

Iwould like to apologize for the lack of posting as of late, I've been feeling quite uninspired lately and our internet has been down for a few days, but now I don't have the option of missing days, as I've managed to get my lovely speech therapist, Annie, hooked on the blog, it is now required homework and has been declared good for my recovery, On a different note, I found out today that Ihave eight visits left with my OT(Occupational Therapist,)SueOT focuses mainly on getting function back into the arm and hand, so being short on time with Sue is daunting as my arm is still pretty lifeless, so, on the way home, instead of burrowing myself into an abyss of worrying(something I've resolved to stop doing), about what happens if my visits end and my arm is still not working, I pulled myself up by the boot straps, something that has always been challenging for me an told myself:" Well, if that happens, you ask Sue what todo, keep doing the exercises, keep trying and never give up, your body will heal itself eventually.

I've also assigned an extra daily exercise to myself, I will be walking across my backyard without the cane once a day. It's challenging as ther are lots of little hills and dips snd tree roots, but I figure if I can learn to walk on different surfaces my walking will get bwtter, plus it feels so good to get outside and exerceise a bit, so I have plenty of hope for the future, after all, I have a lot to live for, so send a little prayer or good mojo yo my left arm, if you are so inclined, I would love for it to join the party at some point

Sexism In Unexpected Places

Since this event has occurred in my life I have  observed more blatant sexism thanI ever have previously and the culprits are usually women! Shocking!, You see, due to my partial paralysis, my husband, Matt is Charlotte's primary caretaker, not me, and it is quite often that some woman will insinuate to myself or Matt that he has no idea what he is doing, simply because he is a man. This pisses me off to no end. Mat has heorically put his own needs aside to care for mine and Charlotte's and has never even considered not doing that, I couldn't think of a better person to care for my daughter than Matt, they have a very special bond as they have been flung into this situation together, Matt always knows exactly what she needs to be the happy, squeaky girl she is and anyone who suggests otherwise immediately earns a demerit with me! So don't forget, ladies, we are just as capable of underestimating men as hey are of us!