Adjustment

Today as I sat in the anti-copagulation clinic and waited for Matt to set up my next appointment I marveled at how well we've adjusted to this major life change, now I'm not saying it's been perfect and smooth sailing because it hasn't been there has been plenty of frustration and stress on both our parts that have affected how we relate to one another, but I believe the true test of a relationship is how it handles pressure and this one has handled it as well as can be expected. We still talk about the good 'ole days when I could run jump and use both hands but now we use the power of laughter to get us through the really tough stuff and Ias a result I believe we love and appreciate each other so much more, we certainly are learning to be more patient with each other and what couple can't benefit from that? S, to sum it up. I am amazed at the strength my husband has and the faith that he has in me, What an amazing person that I get to be with everyday! he singlehandedly manages our lives in such a compassionate way. I'm a lucky girl!

Stories

My friend, Nancy writes an incredible blog and a few day ago I read this amazing entry:http://lovethislittlefamily.blogspot.com/2012/04/i-carry-it-in-my-heart.html, that really got me thinking about something I've been working on for the past few months. As she talked about how hurtful many internet writers can be when discussing women who choose to go back to work, cursing them and accusing them of not loving their families. I really identified with hor deeply these peoplsecomments cut her, because I feel the same way everytime I read an article demonizing women who formula feed, but the thing I tell myself to comfort me when I'm confronted with that level of judgement is something I've been trying to remind myself of everytime I start feeling judge-y, everyone has their own story, I had no choice but to formula feed it was either starve my baby or poison her due to the meds I was on, I think the choice is clear, I think our soviety would function in a much ,mor positive way if we could all remember that everybody is fighting their own fight and is on their own journey. I've always admired peopl who never had anything bad to say about others and now I am striving to achieve that, and I think the easiest way is to remember we all are telling our own stories, let's give each other room to tell theirs!

Mt Heart Will Go On

"Nrvrgive up, Rose, never give up."This familiar chant struck a different chord with me as I watched Jack cheer Rose on while she hogged that door last Sunday. Because I think we alll need a Jack Dawson in our lives;Someone to remind us to never give up on life regardless of how hopeless it seems, To get us tus to make every moment count. Jack's lesson to us lie's inthe rousingspeech he gives at dinner:" figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. "But on this viewing of Titanic, Jack's take on the world rung true, you don't need money, just the air in your lungs and a few sheets of blank paper, because it all can change in a moment so you should "make it count "and meet him at the clock. This has been my challenge since the stroke, to make every moment of my life count and never give up. I think the most beautiful thing aboutTitanic is the fact that Rose truly never gives up. she goes on to leadsa full life and rides a horse like a man and makes every moment count regardless of the fact that she experienced this traumatic event and lost the love of her life after only being able to spend a few precious moments in his warm, safe and loving embrace. I think something like that would seriously impact most people's opinion on life, but she takes everything he taught her and uses it. Luckily I've had my very own Jack Dawson teaching me the same lessons on every step of this journey and hopefully I can serve as someone's Jack.

Zen

I believe I've transcended into a new realm of being lately. I don't know much about the practice of zen but from what I've been reading on the interwebs I seem to be close to it. if zen is self-realization then I'm there. I believe that recovery for me is acceptance of and contentment with my current state of being. I am so happy most days to be alive to be with my family to be walking through my backyard it's almost intoxicating.I am so aware of everything around me, noises, smells and sights, I do my best to not miss anything, because I want to soak everything up.my story is not over yet, I believe my recovery is just beginning and I am certain I will be like new again, infsct I feel that I am only beginning my journey because I am embarking with my eyes wide open and proud to be on this journey as opposed to how I felt two monthas ago, this is a vast improvement

Lucky

As Matt and I were leaving my appointment at the anti - coagulation clinic today we were disussing the fact that the hospital I was at when I had my stroke is among the top 100 hospitals in the country and I was struck at that moment with how lucky I am I was lucky that Matt was with me when the stroke started, lucky that the staff ain the Bronson Labor and Delivery unit was so competent and worked so quivkly, I was lucky that my baby was so strong and was not affected negatively by the stroke. I was lucky to have been transferred to Neuro Rehab at Borgess and to have been aided by the wonderful therapists there  I am lucky to be working with my awesome therapists at Borgess out patient Neuro Rehab. It's taken an army of people to get me to where I am today. Jthinking abut my first few days in rehab makes me realize how far I've come, my Recreational therapist, Marsha, met with me and played dominoes with me or tried to, I had played dominoes a decent amount of times before then with Matt my brother -in -law and their uncle but it was as if someone had asked me to play a brand new game  that I had never played before and explained the rules in french. It was so frustrating because I knew that I knew how to play but could for the life of me understand what was going on, let alone cout out the six dominoes I needed, not the best day. Over the course of my stay at 3 West at Borgess hospital Marsha was a kindred sprit, always willing to answer my questions and eucste me about stroke and what was going on with me, reassuring me that everything I was experiencing was normal, which was helpful, Marsha also made the holiday season special, she found someone to dress up as Santa so
I could get my Charlotte Santa picture that I wanted so badly. She also set up a little Christmas shop for all of us in rehab to use so we could buy presents for our loved ones. It was probably the most beautioful Christmas time I've ever sent filled with true good will towards men the staff on 3 West made what could have been a depressing holiday season a normal and special one. I am also lucky to be married to such a wonderful and compassionate man who is always pushing me to be my best self and always believes in me no matter what. I have also lucked out in the friend department; My work friends have been so compassionate and supportive through this entire process, bringing me deliciou co-op food while I was stuck eating hospital fare.I also have friends who contact my favorite bloggers and musicians looking to rustle up some happiness for me. The cards I received from my fellow Feminist Breeder readers have been a huge source of en encouragement for me, I pull them out from time to time, read them and feel sure that I can do this.Most importantly I am lucky to have gotten this opportunity to truly ppreciate my life and gain some perspective on myself everyday I feel perfectly happy asAnne Shirley would put it, everything is as perfect as it could be and this has been the most incredible experience of my life.

Graduation Day...

...sort of. I kind of graduated grom speech therapy today as Annie, my super speech therapist, feels that I'v come to a point where she's having a hard time finding ways to challenge me, so my time with Annie is close to it's end, which is sad because I not only think that she's great at her job but I also like her personally, I have fun during our sessions. And I can see the biggest difference because of what we've done together. When I first started meeting with Annie, I felt pretty brain dead, demoralized because I no longer felt intelligent, when I met with her for the first we did a few exercises so she could evaluatewhere I was at and I did pretty well on all of them, it was the first time in months that I felt like my brain was still operational, I left that session feeling good. We worked on math and counting change, which is something I have to do at my job and not only do I think my math skills, which were sub-par to begin with,have improved because of all of the math stuff we do and that makes me feel pretty damn good when I can do arithmetic easily in my head, always a difficult task. my whole face moves now thanks to the electrical stimulation we di so I no longer droopy. I can now drink without drbbling liquid all over the place. And I am no longer self-conscious about my speaking voice, my voice now fluctuates enough that the peoplwho know me well say that I now sound like ,myself again, so in speech therapy I have overcome any of thr things that lowered my self-esteem as a result of the stroke. I can also werte legibly with my right hand, not my dominant hand, so I am now a more funvtional human being than I was because of Annie..So, if you are reading this, please know you make a huge difference in people's lives and I am so lucky to have worked with you. I can never thank you enough for your time and attention.

Pampers Saves

So, the other day I was torturing myself by watching A baby Story on TLC. And I was gettin kind of down watching all of these women have these perfect births and carrying their babies around, nursing andpumping to their hearts content. then a Pampers commercial came on, it showed many different ways of bringing a baby into the world, IVF, they showed a woman at home in a birthing tub and at the end of the commercial these words flashed across the screen" No matter how it happens, every baby is a miracle." It'like som being out there knew that was exactly wha I needed to hear at that moment, because it's true, this jouney would be so much harder for me if Charlotte wasn't here, she brings so much joy into my life, just seeing her smiling face bightens everything up, it clears the cloud away and makes me try that muh harder.

Fear

O've always been an anxious person,  worrying about the teeniest, tiniest things that haven't  nor probably ever will happen. This whole experience has kicked my irrational anxiety over imaginary things into high gear. anytime I am near the top of a flight of stairs, I freeze up and panic, or if I ever feel unsteady a tiny bit, I think the fear is actually of falling, even though I've only fallen twice in the last two months and neither of those falls resulted in injury. I'm beginning to get a little tired of this constant companion, anxiety.A long time ago this phrase was in my horoscope:"disappear our fear, Resurrecy your audacity." I've been repeating this to myself anytime I'm about to do something that freaks me out, I try to channel my 19 year old self, totry to get back that , I'm immortal, nothing can hurt me attiude, but it's tough to do now, I've never been one for facing my fears, but now I'm trying to because I don't want to live the rest of my lif being scared of everything and I don't want to pass that on to Charlotte, so I try to dive right in if I am feeling scared about somehingand stay calm and celebrate an accomplishment, so I wont be so anxious the next time I have to perform the task and bit by bit, I'll conquer my anxiety, hopefully

When Bad ThingsHappen

 A long time ago my Mother bought me a book called "when bad Things happen to Good People"., she bought this book for me after I underwent another major medical catastrophe as she under went treatment for breast cancer, not good year for my family, 2004, The jist of the book is that, we as humans search for the reason behind why tragedy strikes someone who we feel is undeserving of it, we try to assign blame or think it is some kind of karmic retribution but, the fact is, it's just life. Of course I've played yhe Why Me game since this has happened, but it's not the best use of my time to sit around and should'a could'a, would'a all day long, I have daughter to raise and to be a strong example for and wasting my time pitying myself because life reared its ugly head is not the example I want to set, remembering this is what keeps me going, I want Charlotte to know that no matter what life is always worth living and any challege can be overcome with faith in oneself, admittedly, I'm still working on the faith in oneself part.

Confidence

  for most of my life I've struggled with self-esteem issues. I don't know when it started but I'm pretty sure it started once I realized that I was extremely different from the other kids I went to school with, since then I'v been searching for acceptance from my peers and moments of true self confidence, there are a few moments in my life that I can site as moments when I felt I had confidence: when I was a senior in high school, once I stopped caring about what other people thought about me, when I was in college with the other tactors and lived in blissful 18 year-old ignorance, thinking I knew everything about everything and that I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted out of life and anytime I was drunk, I was then the prettiest, sexiest and most interesting person in the room, but none of those things count to me as true self confidence. This experience has challenged my faith n myself more than anything ever has and I can honestly believer that I am developing some healthy self-confidence, finally, because, I am doing this and I'm doing it well

A New Normal

Five months ago today my life changed drastically. It's hard to believe how far I've come in five months. When I was first in the hospital, in the ICU, I kept begging to leave so i could go to a work meeting. And I wanted to go home so I could watch Superman with Charlotte, Matt had to keep reminding me that I had had a stroke an couldn't just leave. Once I finally understood what had happened I truly thought that recovery was something that would magically happen that someday I would suddenly be back to normal, when I got home, I did some reading about stroke recovery that said recovery was a lifelong process and that scared the crap out of me, because to me that meant I would be stuck with half a body forever, but now I realize that recovery has nothing to do with what I can and cannot do, but it does have a lot to do wit how I deal with my current situation and how I view it. I got a letter from a Feminist Breeder reader who talked about finding a new normal, because things would never be the same again, that was a very hard thing for me to read at the time. because I was still presuming I would pop back and everything would go back, like nothing had happened. Now I am happy to report that I have accepted my new normal, and while I still long for the ease with which I used to be able to do things with, everything does get easier everyday, and it will continue to get better and easier day by day. whether you're a recovering addict or a stroke patient, recovery is a life long journey that only gets better everyday. I marvel at the things that are easy now that weren't two months ago, I bask in the joy I find in my life, five months ago I saw nothing to be happy about, but I am honored to still be here with Matt and Charlotte and myfriends tp be able tp hear live music, see the sun, feel it warm my skin and watch my slow but steady progress an feel the shifts in myself as I grow and change because of this challenge.