Walking

The next time you go for walk, pay attention to what your body is doing. It wasn't until I had to actually start thinking about how walking works that I noticed the complex mechanics walking involves, and we usually do it without even thinking about it, This is a true testament to how amazing the human bodyiv, now walking is a different experience, I have to pay so much attention to how my legs move, so I don't develop a funky limp that could hurt me in the long run. This experience has made me so much more mindful of my body than I was before Once I am able to I will be taking much better care of this amazing machine I've been given than I was before.

Hindsight

My husband and I finally got the disposable cameras from our wedding developed and looking at those pictures really got to me. Imiss my old moving around, jazz hands-ing self, but looking at those pictures rea drove something home for me, I took it all for granted. Fo ryears I heaped abuse upon abuse on my body, Ismoked like a chimney, drank like all whiskey everywhere was in short supply and generally bemoaned my exsistence, my life was great! and I had ahard time seeing that, Iwish Icould get it all back so I could appreciate what I had and treat my body likthe glorious thing it is, but noawadays Ifind myself with a tiny smile on my face as Iappreciate all I have, Ifeel freed from the bonds Icarried before, Ino longer feel the need tp have the "perfect" body or the "perfect"life, my life is pretty darn good, thank you very much, and Inow take pleasure in the thing I used yo overlook and take for granted. Thank gooddnessI've been given the opportunityTo open myeyes and see what things really look like!

Who Me?

When I thnk of inspiring people I think of Michael J. Fox, Christopher Reeve,Abigail and john Adamsand mARGARET sSanger, never myself I've been called inspiring a lot lately, which is just more motivation for me to go through everyday continuing to be happy about my life, trying to overcome the obstacles I face, just to be clear, Is tarted this blog because I needed a place to sort through all of the thought that flit through my head about this event that has occurred. And I thought if sharing my daily thoughts on the subject could help somone face their own hard ships, thst would be great!S, I am happy that my little acedotes are helping and interesting to some people, Right nowI'm just trying to get through everyday as gracefully and positively as possible And aetmpting to perfect my walking technique on top of it all, int, All with the hope that  I come out of all of this a better personThan Iwas before it began.

Pregnant Dreams

Once I found out I was pregnant I went in search of every scrap of information on what to expect, what was normal and what I should do. The piece of information that i found on every website and every book Iread was that near the end of pregnancy, your dreams get funky!And I had one really funky recurring dream the last few weeks of it. IN this dream I would walk into a room and my baby would be there, I had given birth without realizing it, and every time in the dream  I would get mad at my husband for letting me miss the birth of our first child.  Ithought nothing of this at the time, because, really, how would that happen?While I was recovering in the ICU, I remember bringing this dream up an d jokingly stating that maybe I'm psychic. Because that is essentially what happened, only Iwasn't mad at my husband, how could Ibe?

Acceptance

Asmy husband was driving me home from a very productive session of therapies yestrday, Iexperienced a moment of peace AsI stared out of the car window, watching the peaceful winter scenery pass by, Ithought to myself,"This isn't so bad, Ican still see the sun and crunch through the snow and hold mydaughter, maybe this is what the universe wants for me , maybe there is an important lesson to be learned through this experience. When we got home, we settled in and read my batch of cards from the Feminist Breeder readers :http://thefeministbreeder.com/a-card-writing-campaign-to-a-mother-relearning-how-to-live/ for the day, these cards have been lifting my spirits immensely, one of thcards really hit home for me. The woman wrote about acceptance, and using the energy I've ben using being upset to get better. She wrote about going with the flow instead of resisting chalenges For the first time since this happened Ifeel relief and calm and ready to do what I have to do, thank you, Rosa, for your kind words, they have helped me more than you can know!

Partners

Partners

The last time I was seriously ill my significant other essentially abandoned me both physically and emotionally; barely visiting me while Iwas inthe hospital, not caring for me when I was home .After that experience Itold myself that whoever I ended up with would be someone who would never even think of abanoning me whe I needed him most. luckily, My judgement was better this time, my husband took the vows "for better or for worse in sickness and in health" very sweriously. Hre never left my side fo the two and a half months Iwas inthe hospital. He He is always ready to give me dose of tough love, and I need it now and then, he pushes me to be my best self, to be as great as he knows m. Hebelieves in me even when Ican't muster up any faith in myself. He is truly my partner in this journey. and Iam thankful for his prescence every day.

Gratitude.

Afriend of mine shared a piece of an interview with Cristina Applegate. What I took away from it was this: regardless of what I can or cannot do with Charlotte right now I can still enjoy little moments with herhher.Which made me relize how thank ful Iam to know her, because I came close to not meeting her. My husband told me that the doctors told him that he should start making phone calls before I went in for surgery , so he assumed that meant my chances were not good. d.the thought of Charlotte being motherless kills me, but makes me so grateful to be here for her My huband has spoken about how afraid he was that night and if the worst had happened, how he would never have been able to describe me acurately when my daughter eventually asked ehat Iwas like  Iam grateful everyday when Iwatch my healthy, thriving daughter squirm around on her tummy under her play matt. Is avor every moment with her, because, you never know an Iwant to remember these moments forever.

guilt

before I begin this let me say about a million people have told me not feel guilty about this subject, because the outcome couldn't have been helped but, I still feel guilty and probably always will. As I prepared for the arrival of my daughter, I was totallly gung-ho about breast feeding, I read two books on thsubject and had all of theggizmos agadgets that a working and pumping mom might needI was planning on breast feedinfor a year +.

But hen life happened. after Charlotte was born Ihad to gostraight into brain surgerysoI didn't get to feed her right away, luckilythe hospial I was in had awonderful milk bank, so she got her colostrum once surgery was over Icouldn't feed her because of how many drugs were inmy system my earliest memories are of feeding her and pumping so she would have milk for the night, so she's had plenty of my milkOnceIwas moved to rehab it was difficult to find time to pump and feed because my schedule was so packed with therapy Ialso had a lot of visitors and Iwasn't always comfortable with whiping it out when neededThe final nail in the coffin came with y ant-seizure medicationth that you can't use when breast feeding. And now we are doing some thing Iswore we wouldn't do: formula feeding. I feel like I've failed my little girl and that because of this she doesn't have the best tart to life she could.

IMy my milk is now gone and I am still on th anti-seizure mrdic, ineImiss feeding her and how close Ifelt to her during hose times, since that was the one thing Icould do fo her. It enabled me to be a part of evrything, but now allIdo is sit on the sidlines and watch as other people get o enjoy the theactivities sIcan't: bathing, bouncig, playingIfearIam missing the baby time and by the time Iam able to do those thingsshe will be too big

speech

Thr purpose of Speech Therapy is to improve cognition and memory in those with brain injuries, like me. thr Speech Therapist I had in thhospital was condescending and made disparaging comments about my baby weight,making me feel incredibly self-concncscioand we spent most of our sessions talking about her boring life, not making much progress, luckily, my new speech therapist, Annie,is great, she under stands what my goals are and we actually work on things during our sessions I am a former fast-talker so it is important to me to be able to speak properly, the tone of my voice  is totally different, which drives me crazy, Ican't t do sarcasm now, that inflection is gone, In fact, the hardest part of all of this is struggling to speak everyday, Iam incredibly self conscious when Ispeak now, worried that when people hear me talk they will think Ihave a mental deffiniency Ifelt uplifted after my session withAnnie today, I did wellon all of the cognitiv eevals and ac the reading snd writing test she gave me, it comforts me to know my brain is stll there and operating, which doesn't slways feel like th case.

exhaustion

you kno that foggy feeling you have when you haven't gotten enough sleep? all you can think about is the next avaliable time you have to take a nap, uou can' think straight, you can't process information normally. That is how I feel rveveryday I keep thinking if I csn just sleep more this foggy feeling will go away an I'll feel human again. but, alas, no such luck, I sleep all of the time and it never feels like enough, the only time I've feltclear headed since the stroke wa after good percocet induced sleep wehen Iwas still in the hospital. Iwould love to feel that clear headed again, hopefully some day I'll wake up and beable to see through the fog.

out patientI've started

I've started my oy patent rehab now.I think the hardest part of this iwill be getting to kow new therapists Iorderr fo the relation ship between myselfand my therapist tobe productive ther has to be a high level of trudt and comfort onmy part. this takes awhile to develop. so fsr Ilike all of my new therapist and IfeelI wil progressfar with them. one of my primary goals is proving to be the most frustrating to accomplish ,regain use of my lft srm, hand and fingers,I get close to tears ou t o ffrustrtion when attempting to make this limb, hat I should be hboss of, ove

Motherhood...Interrupted

After 39 weeks of waiting The day that was supposed to be the best day of my life quickly turned into the worstI delivered my first child while having stroke via emergency c-section.As a result of the anastesia Iwas uder Idot not remember anything of her birth, aparently  Iregained consousness long enough to mumble "Hi, Baby!"to her as they lifted her over the curtain for me to see,Ido not remember that either. after that lovely moment (or what sould have been a lovely moment) they whisked me off to do an MRI to try and see what exactly was going on in my head, further prolonging the worst night of my husband's life.Iwasthen taken into anoperating room for brain surgery to stop the bleeding in my brainthbrain the bleed pushed my brain over to the left side of my head causing left side paralysis.at first Iwas unable to sit up straight or look anyone in theyes becuse I had lost my mid line".being able to be home with my daughter instead of in the hospital has been the best part ofmy recovery so far. even though I aunable to do the normal mommy thngs:burping, changing diapers, etc...jobs that Ilong to do, tit hurts me to be unable to help with these simple tasks andeveryday Ifear my daughter willl call some other woman Mommy befor me because Iam not doing what Mommy should be.good things:
-mydaughtermade it through thstroke with her heart never skippig a beat, ewe've made it through a lot torther, a bond we wilnever lose, she is a healthy baby who willgrow up in a house filled with laughter and with parents who help each other. thank goodness!
One of the few things Ido remember from the time Ispent in intensive cae isthis: at one point Iturnedmy back to the room to block ou the bliinding light and chorus of conversation that muddled my head an overwhelmed eIlrt th healing energy that was in the room wash over me and handed my spirt over to whatever omnipotent deity had spared my life. I reflected on what my body had done and what it was doingIhsd just ceated a complete complex organismwith eyes, lungs and kidneys, Ihad also carried her safely through a potentially fatal event a d Iwas feeding her withmy body.Ihave never been prouder to be awoman than Idid ithat moment now I kow what true fminism feels lke. Iwillneverdisparag my body fot meetindome mde up ideal again, I hav mor important things to worry about.


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JTheJob

I am  truly blessed individual be cause after years of searching in all of the wrong places. I have managed to snag a job Inot only rock at but that I adore. that is why my heart breaks to know they are hiring someone to fill my poition untilI am able to return Ican't expect them to wait for me forever after all.going ttowork is probablythe thing I miss the most, I am not someone who enjoys staying at home, notinteracting gwiththeworldbut most of all I miss the snense of purpose working gives me and the confidence it gives me to know iam doing something OI am good at.Most of all though, I have neverworked in such a harmonious environment withso many down to earth, weonderful,compassionate, good people. Ihave come to look at the people Iwork with as family.ehwho is lucky enough tbe able to satyrhat?!Imust say getting back to work is  my biggest motivationt to get better

===motivation

last night Ifell into the depths of despair and as usual my husband managed to talk me down or up ou t of the depths, forcing me to reevaluate my view on the entire situation. In my opinion when a person is faced with the kind of challenge Iam faced with finding a motivating factor to keep goig is essentialca \\and searchiand fsearchongfor indpiring people to emulate is helpful Ihavebeen focusing primarily onChristophr Reevopher Reeve,but last night I had a moment of claity as my husband put Charlotte to bed.Ifrecovery never comes, which is highly unlikely, considering my progress so  f  r, I can still be a mother to my child and Ican be a positive influence in   her life. only if Ichange my attitudeIf Charlotte is going to grow up with a partialy disabled mother. she shouldn't be raised by a mother who has given up on life who is mad at the world, she sshouldbe raised by a mother who still enjoys all that life has to offer regardless of th twists and turns life throws at her

o

strength

thef word strong has been thrown around a lot lately to describe me and I feel it would be less than honest of me to pretend I've been anything other than a whiny, pessimistic, self-pitying crybabythroughout this process On bad day Iwi lllgive into the darkness and give into all of the what ifs I am presented with. whatif Inever getbetter?whatif Charlotte is embarrassed of me due to my impairment? eventually I mange to talk myself off of the ledge and wind p feeling stupid for taking for granted all of the blessings that have been bestowed on me,someone sent me this quote and it gets met through my dark moods as I repeat it to myself:

"Promise me you will always remember thta t you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think"-Christopher Robin to Pooh

ththr."oughout thi process